happylaney

No Rest

2012-02-18T12:02:00.000-06:00

Life sure is a hoppin and a boppin over here. Most of it is fun. This video is fun. I wish I could just bottle her up and keep her like this. 4 year olds are cute. Two year olds, on the other hand, not that I'm naming any names, are not that enjoyable lately. Two year olds cry, all, day, long. Two year olds have bad dreams about Mommy taking away her candy and Mommy is holding baby brother. She has been sick, though, lately, because she just started preschool and with preschool comes germs. I keep telling myself that she's just sick, or she's just two, but what if she's like this when she's not two, or not sick? I don't want to think about that. Not that I'm naming any names.

Just In Time for Valentine's Day

2012-02-15T13:14:00.000-06:00

Dominic is smiling now, great big smiles, and coos, and baby language for "I Love You." He's great.

Proceed to Party

2012-02-13T16:48:00.000-06:00

Hat or Not Hat 2012 style with our trendy red solo cups.

Future Jersey Shore Star

2012-02-05T06:10:00.000-06:00

I took these pictures a week and a half ago. He looks different already to me. He sleeps like a champ. He sleeps 7 or 8 hours every night. Every night. I know, I can't hardly believe it either. The girls were always on a strict 3 hour schedule until we sleep trained them both at 6 months. People would brag to me that their child slept through the night at 9 days or something equally ridiculous and I can remember wanting to punch them in the face, thinking to myself, "that didn't really happen, you just have a blurred memory." And here I am with a child that sleeps large chunks of time at night, and I am so grateful. So grateful. I feel like a human being most mornings. I am still tired, and my every moment is still super busy, but I get a good nights' sleep and I'm back at it. There is a downside though, which is a bummer. He seems fussier during the day. His poop schedule is off, probably because of his erratic eating patterns because he misses feedings while he sleeps and then is super hungry when he is awake, which also makes it hard to breastfeed him. I either have too little milk or too much milk at any given minute of any given day because he has either eaten 5 times in 7 hours, or has slept for 7 hours and not eaten anything. We're working it out though, and I do honestly think that I'd rather have a few more cries during the day and a good nights' rest than do what I did with Cecilia and Charlotte, waking up 3 or more times every night to feed them. He smiles now, which is super cute. He looks right at me, usually in the morning, and gives me big grins, and my heart skips a beat every time. I haven't gotten a picture of that smile, though, because they are few and far between due to his fussiness.

I must have NYC on the brain, and listening to Howard Stern and watching oodles of the Cake Boss helps, but once last week, with a little outfit with a zipper and a onesie on underneath he looked like a little New Jersey guido to me, and once with his little tummy and tight fitting shirt he looked like Ronnie Mund to me, my little tiny old jewish guy.

Empathizing With the Rock Biter

2012-02-03T09:33:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday Cecilia came to work with me. I have been toting Dominic around with me all day every day, and Cecilia said last week she wanted to go with me to work, so this week I sent Dominic and Charlotte to the babysitter, Mrs. Christy's, house, and brought Cec with me. The weather couldn't have been nicer, especially for this time of year, and right before lunch we decided to take a little walk. She knew where we were going, my favorite place on the farm isn't too far, and we buried Java there last year and went and visited him a few times last year together. When we got there, we said a few nice words to Java, then Cecilia wanted to head down to the creek just below us. There's two little waterfalls, and a big puddle, and I'm content nowadays to just stand nearby and listen to the creek's song, but Cecilia kept asking to go closer. I remember spending so many years of my life hopping from stone to stone on creek after creek, so before we knew it we were standing in the middle of the creek on a big rock covered in wet moss. Cecilia is a very cautious child, asking everytime, "Mom, can I stand on that rock now?" She moved to the other side of the creek, hung on a sapling, raised her feet, and the tiny tree broke at the bottom, and she fell over flat on her back. She cried immediately, that piercing "I'm hurt" cry, and I reached down to pick her up. I thought maybe she had the wind knocked out of her, and she was scared, but when I put my hand up to her neck I instantly saw blood. Her blond curls quickly turned red as I climbed, huffing and puffing up the first hill. I don't do very well with blood, but I knew I had to hold it together for her. She couldn't see what I could see, which made it much better for her. It was a long trek from the bottom of the creek to the top of the first hill, carrying all 35 pounds of her, but my adrenaline was moving me forward. We stopped for a minute, I put her down, and surveyed her wound. The bleeding had already slowed down, but I couldn't see much. My fingers were sticky and her collar was reddish brown. I picked her back up, went down a little hill, and back up another hill to the winery building. I sat her on the toilet and found Dad. He looked at her head, said the cut was about a half inch, and not too bad and suggested we take her up to his house to clean her up a little better. At Dad's house he washed a few curls and her cut with a little soap and water by the kitchen sink, dried her now pink hair with a soft towel, put some triple antibiotic salve on her head, and sat her down to watch some Tom and Jerry and eat a brownie. She stopped crying, we ate some lunch and she felt better. I will have to admit I didn't get much work done Wednesday afternoon. I didn't want to lay her down for a nap in case she had a concussion, so we played ring around the rosie, and took a short walk through the vineyard. She happily bound around, little curls, some of them blood stained and greasy, moving with every step, and she called out to me, 'Skip with me momma." I was so happy she was ok. We got home and showed John, took a nice bath that night and cleaned the cut and her hair real well, and she hasn't mentioned it since, except when Dad called yesterday to see how she was doing.

I, on the other hand, can't get it out of my mind. I was standing right there...she's so cautious....I spent my entire childhood doing just what she was doing...what kind of mother am I? Why do I have all these nurturing instincts if they can't help me? I replay the whole scenario everytime I lay down to sleep, everytime I do the dishes, everytime I take a shower. I'm reminded of a character of one of my favorite movies, The Neverending Story. In it, there's a guy called the Rock Biter. He's made of rock, his whole body, and he's so strong. They are all running away from The Nothing, and he tries to hold on to his friends, but The Nothing sucks them out of his hands like a vacuum. He sits there, defeated, and tells his friend, Atreyu, "They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed."

This is how I feel when I think about this incident with Cecilia, and also when Charlotte burned her hand two years ago. I feel like I am equipped with all the makings of a good mom, but sometimes I fail. I know this is part of parenting, and I can't shield them from everything bad, but it seems like such a kick in the face to have it happen right in front of me, right when I'm standing right there. I know this anxiety will pass, and sadly, I know this isn't the last time I will feel like this.

Hat or Not Hat Month

2012-02-01T09:20:00.001-06:00

Kicking off Hat or Not Hat with a bang. Anybody that wants to play along, just send me your pictures. =) Leave your shame at the door. =)

Blog Birthday

2012-01-11T11:05:00.001-06:00

7 years and I still have something to say. I hope to blog more this year than last, but that's not saying much. Hoping to chronicle Dominic's life, because it's so fun to go back and look at the girls' pictures when they were so tiny.

I'm a sucker for a photo booth. These were taken at Abbey and Doug's wedding this past weekend. What fun!

Christmas 2011

2012-01-06T11:13:00.000-06:00

Cecilia and her Zhu Zhu Pets

Charlotte and her bubble wrap =)

gobs of cousins

Grandma reading a book

Our 3 little people

Why Didn't I Think of That?

2012-01-05T09:45:00.000-06:00

We're all a buzz over here, getting ready for Abbey's wedding, the wedding of the century. I have pictures to post from Christmas and Cecilia's birthday, but those will come later. Right now we have to prepare and celebrate.

Christy called this morning, missing mom. Mom would have loved to be there this weekend. She loved big elaborate fancy parties. She would have been in her element. Christy and I were talking about how it rained on my wedding day, and she said that one of mom's best friends, MaryLee, whispered to Christy when we walked out the church door that the rain was mom's tears of joy. I had never thought of that, but it's like that sad country song, Holes in the Floor of Heaven.

Well my little girl is 23
I walk her down the aisle
it's a shame her mom can't be here now
to see her lovely smile

They throw the rice
I catch her eye
as the rain starts comin' down
she takes my hand says daddy don't be sad 'cause
I know momma's watchin' now

And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me

There are still some days like today, 11 years later, that I still miss her so dearly. I know we'll have fun this weekend. I know mom will be in our hearts. And maybe next time it rains I can stop scurrying around and grimacing and take a minute to feel mom's embrace.

Eye Candy

2011-12-24T08:23:00.003-06:00

I've always wanted to be part of a flash mob...

This one is from last year, but so cool!

And, I don't know if this video will link properly, but I can not get this out of my head. You have to click on it, and take a few minutes to watch these people. I keep thinking, "I So want to do this!" and then I watch it again, and think, "These people are crazy!" Fascination....inspiration...exhiliration....insane! Haven't decided whether or not to add this to my list of things to do after the kids are grown, probably be too late...maybe I'll just start with bungee jumping, or white water rafting.

Dom, dom, dom, dom, dom, de, doobe, dom

2011-12-21T07:19:00.002-06:00

Wondering how we chose his name? It's not from this little song or video, although this is cute. =) We've had this name picked out since we were pregnant with Cecilia.

We both just liked the name Dominic. The name means, "of the Lord." I knew a guy named Dominic, and people called him Dom for short, and I loved that. It reminded me of this song.

This song was always one of mom's favorites, from the year she graduated high school. Plus, it was on the Stand By Me soundtrack which I listened to continuously from about the time I was 11 or 12 to 14 or 15. What a great movie and soundtrack.

The name Calvin comes from John's grandpa, John Calvin Smith, whom John was named after. Somewhere along the way I'll try to find a picture of John's grandpa. John looks a lot like him. From what I've heard about him, he was a quiet farmer from Hicksville, OH. John has his eyes, and his posture. When I envision John as an old man, I always picture his grandpa.

Well, busy day today, I've got my two week check up, and a few last minute gifts to buy. Tomorrow is Dominic's 2 week check up. How can two weeks have gone by already? I keep trying to count the days on my hands, not accepting that it's been 2 weeks already. I've just started to feel a little better, but I feel like those days are lost, and his life is already on the fast track. I'm looking forward to spending some nice time with my family of 5 (today is Johns last day of work for 2 weeks, Wee!) and in between we've got Christmas Eve at the farm, Christmas Day at our house with John's parents, and then Cecilia's birthday at Chuck E Cheese. When does life slow down? When do I have that quiet maternity leave full of new baby love?

"I Don't Want to Talk About Him Right Now."

2011-12-19T08:26:00.000-06:00

Cecilia loves to hold Baby Brother.

Charlotte giving Dominic a snuggle, or posing for the camera, you choose.

Big Sister, Little Brother

The girls are really really good with little Dominic (minus Charlotte sneezing on his face this morning.) Abbey took the girls Friday, Friday night and Saturday. They hung out at Christy's house, watched movies. Cecilia wasn't feeling well, she threw up on the way from our house to theirs, and had a fever, and just laid on the couch most of Saturday evening. Christy said she asked how baby brother was and Cecilia said, "I don't want to talk about him right now." Not sure if she just wasn't feeling good, or was relishing her time away from him, but it makes me laugh a little. I can get myself all worked up about sibling rivalry, and I have to remind myself that it's normal, and natural. As sweet and good natured as Cecilia is, she can have just the right amount of sass, and coming from my own personality of mostly happy with some attitude, I can appreciate Cecilia's willingness to say what she means.

Wannabe

2011-12-17T09:21:00.000-06:00

I like this picture the best. Becky made his little hat and I don't think he's taken it off since. Becky let me borrow the basket too. She's so great. =) We tried to take these sort of pictures when Maggie was tiny, but it didn't work out quite as nice. I have a running list in my head of things I want to do when I'm old and grey, and I told John a couple months ago that I want to take professional pictures later in life, and he said, "Sure everyone else does." =(

I like his little foot sticking out.

Blissfully Ignorant

2011-12-16T13:20:00.000-06:00

This picture was taken the night before Dominic was born, December 7th, 2011. Looks how cute and innocent I look. Remember when I said that I thought being pregnant was worse than having a new born? How naive of me. How special. How idiotic. Here I sit 8 days later, feeling the weight of a newborn child hit our life like a ton of bricks. And he only weighs 7 and a half pounds! To be fair, it's not really right to blame Dominic. He's cute and sweet and just doing what newborns do. He can be fun and the girls just adore him and can't keep their hands off him. Here's how my life is shaping up right about now. (funk soul brother)

1. I have a terrible cold. I lost my voice most of the time I was in the hospital, with people visiting and nurses asking me questions, and family members calling on the phone, my voice was being most annoying. I went to the clinic yesterday (what a day that was) convinced I had a sinus infection, but no, I only have the common cold. I know you're not supposed to take antibiotics if you're not really sick, and I am one of the biggest proponents of that, but it is frustrating to feel so awful and leave the clinic with no medicine. The nurse wanted to give me tylenol with codine, but wasn't sure she could because I am nursing. It feels like the world is going to stop and my C-section stitches are going to burst right open when I cough. Good times.
2. I once again have those pesky superficial blood clots in my legs. My OB's nurse called yesterday and when I told her about them and how they were getting worse, she insisted I go get them checked with doppler that day. So, I called Dad, and he drove Dominic and I to the vascular diagnostic center, then to the clinic. It was a long tiresome day, but I was very appreciative that Dad could help me, as yesterday was John's first day back at work. The blood clots will all go away on their own, but they stretch up and down the outside of both legs, and continuing up to my groin area. They are red, hard, and very tender, and I always seem to bump them on a chair as I go by, or Charlotte or Cecilia seem to know just where they are when they try to climb on me.
3. The breastfeeding is harder than I remembered. I know I'll get the swing of it, but it's been a tough few days at home. Most of the time I feel like I have two croquet balls instead of boobs. Good times.
4. Someone has called to talk to me about work almost everyday, and I have put in some computer time 3 days so far, including payroll today. I know plenty of you can't believe I only take a few weeks off, but I'm here to tell you that that seems like a long time to me, and to everyone I work with. It's not like I'm one of 5 accountants, and the other 4 can just take on a little extra work while I am gone. I like work, I like to feel needed, and valuable, and like I'm accomplishing something, but with these other medical issues, and such a short amount of time off, it does seem unreasonable on occasion.
5 My body still thinks I'm pregnant. My belly is still huge. My ankles and hands are still swollen. My midriff is still covered in glue from the tape and bandages. I can't really see my C-section scar or stitches, and it's never, ever a good idea to step on the scale 5 days after having a baby. Talk about depression.
6. Thankfully we've had lots of help with the girls. We're cashing in all our favors. Cecilia and Charlotte stayed here with John's parents while I was in the hospital, and since then have gone to Amanda's, Dad and Lesa's and are spending today, tonight and tomorrow with Abbey. It's a little chaotic here with all 5 of us, and this morning I did 4 hours with just me and the three little ones, and with the help of a cartoon or two and my patience when two glasses of water spilled, it went really well. And as much as I love and need the help, and the world is turned a little upside down when we're all together, I always miss them when they're gone. They are sweet girls, and John is like super Dad and super Husband, and I know once we get past all this transition, Dominic will fit right in. I don't want to wish away his first few days, but I will have to say I'm looking forward to the day when this all seems like second nature. =)

Birth Announcement App

2011-12-15T06:51:00.000-06:00

I made this cute little birth announcement on my phone.

2011-12-11T21:10:00.000-06:00

Brand new, 7 pounds 12 ounces

Cecilia and Charlotte meet Dominic

All dressed and ready to go home

He's here!

2011-12-09T19:45:00.002-06:00

Dominic Calvin Mooney was born on December 8th at 7:55 am. He weighed 7 pounds 12 ounces at birth and is 20 1/2 inches long. We are all doing fine, hope to go home from the hospital on Sunday. Pictures will be coming soon.

The Day Before

2011-12-07T06:11:00.000-06:00

Up early this morning, trying to figure it all out. Yesterday was my last day at work for awhile, and although I crossed almost everything off my "to-do" list at work, I have a brand new list staring at me today, and then again, tomorrow, another all new list. Work has been busy, that's for sure. I have been squeezing every second out of every day there for months to get done all that I needed to get done. Now that my job responsibilities are behind me for a short period of time, I'm starting to feel apprehensive about the very near future. Yes, I can I look at the mountain of baby boy clothes and get excited. But that's the easy part. I am very excited to hold him and look at him, and share in the miracle of creating a child. But, one of the hardest things to do, I find, as a mother, is add another family member to my cast of immediate family. Cecilia and Charlotte are so good, and so cute, and I already wish I had more time with them, how am I going to not hurt their feelings by dividing my time even more? I tell myself that a sibling is a gift, and I truly believe that, but the transition will be hard, especially when tiny newborns require SO MUCH attention, and Charlotte clings to me like no other 2 year old. I wish I was going into my Jan- May time of year, working part time, with just the girls. I wish this pregnancy was just beginning, and the baby would be here late May. Is that a bad thing for me to say? I guess so, one day before he's going to be here. I'm anxious about how the girls will be in the hospital, or what it will be like when they all need my attention. I can still remember how my heart felt like it was breaking for Cecilia when I first had Charlotte. And now they are inseparable, and no one can even remember when we only had Cecilia.

Anxious is the name of this pregnancy. I have felt anxious for months now, and I guess tomorrow, my anxiety becomes reality. Maybe everything will go smoother than I imagine. A girl can hope...

Blue Barn

2011-12-03T17:00:00.003-06:00

One good thing about living in Ste. Genevieve is that I'm a sucker for a picture of a barn. I prefer old barns, but sometimes new ones can be photogenic too. My favorite are the ones that you can see all the way through the gangway. Since I don't drive past my Dreaming Tree anymore, I might substitute barn pictures instead.

This barn is in Coffman, almost directly across from one of the wineries out there. I noticed it for the first time yesterday. Guess I was always too busy looking at the winery to notice the blue barn and blue sky compliment. Seems peaceful.

Can.Not.Wait

2011-12-02T17:00:00.001-06:00

Daniel Day-Lewis (be still my heart) is playing Abraham Lincoln in a film directed by Steven Spielberg next year. OHHH!!!! This article describes Daniel as presidential and says he, "just exudes rugged authenticity."

Swoon!

Oldies But Goodies

2011-12-01T17:00:00.000-06:00

This is how I spent much of my childhood; playing with the cats at the farm. This guy's name was Felix, and he might have been one of the most tolerant, patient farm cat ever. They rode the big wheel with me, slid down the slide, swang on the swing, I fed them bottles of milk, dressed them up in baby clothes, and even had circuses with those cats where they got thrown through the air doing flips as acrobats. Mom and Dad drew the line only twice with my cat antics, once when I drenched them in the baby pool (trying to teach them to swim?) and once when I squirted food coloring all over the white ones. As I look back on it now, seems very innocent and imaginative, and I never remembered being bored. For a little girl on a remote farm, a cat is as good of a friend as they come.

This one sure is cute. =) I'm probably 3 or 4 in this picture, and so that makes Joe 13 or 14. I'm pretty sure this picture was taken at Famous Barr in downtown St. Louis, where they had the Famous Barr Bear village that we walked through while waiting to see Santa.

Movember

2011-11-30T20:45:00.000-06:00

Who knew No Shave November was a thing? Everybody, including Kesha, knows beards are cool. Keep up.

The Old House

2011-11-29T17:00:00.001-06:00

John and I's bedroom

the office

the living room

the dining room

the girls' room upstairs

the kitchen

another view of the kitchen

It's cute! It's clean! It's empty! You want to buy it!?!

How quickly this house went from the place where we live to the "old house." I kind of hate calling it that, but there's no better way to name it right now. We did right by this house. We are leaving it in better shape than when we bought it, and we bought it in darn good shape. The economy has not done right by us, but if I think too much about that I get angry, and refuse to be considered a victim of anything. As much as I hate the overused phrase, "It is what it is" that's how I feel about this housing situation that John and I have found ourselves in. It's not great, we're not happy about it, but it is out of our control.

Anyway, if you know anyone at all that might be interested, send them this link, and tell them there is no cuter house in the city.

Miniature Cheerleader

2011-11-28T15:25:00.000-06:00

Make your own slideshow at Animoto.

Cecilia was asked to be the miniature cheerleader in the Ste. Genevieve High School Homecoming parade back in October. All dressed up in her little cheerleading outfit, she rode in an old hot rod car in the parade, sat with the Homecoming Court during the football game, and walked down the field at halftime with her little partner, miniature football player, Sawyer. I couldn't have been more proud.

Paris Street in Rainy Weather

2011-11-27T20:18:00.000-06:00

Rainy cold days like today make me think of this painting. We were at this intersection in 2005 when we went to Paris, and it was memorable. I'm not quite sure why this painting appeals to me, but it does. It's owned by the Art Institute of Chicago, and I've been there before, so maybe I saw it and saved it in my memory? I do believe that I'll have to make a trip back to see the painting in person. I'd like to have a framed print. Maybe I'll put it on my Christmas list.

He's a Carpenter

2011-11-26T21:32:00.000-06:00

Every time we show our house for sale we get feedback from the Realtor who looked at the house with their customer. Most of the feedback drives me crazy, like one person said we had too many doors closed (?!) and another said our house needed new windows. Most of them rate our house a 3 out of 5, which sends me through the roof. We looked at a bazillion houses in the city before buying this one, and I know that it is a good solid 4. Don't get me started.

We have had two showings since the house has been empty. Empty houses show better, and hopefully sell quicker, so, in theory, our house won't be on the market long now. (fingers crossed) The best part from my view point is that now that we aren't living in the house with two little munchkins, we don't have to scurry around and clean like idiots every time someone calls and wants to see the house in an hour and a half.

The feedback we got on Wednesday from the showing on Monday said this, "It's amazing how this market has paralyzed home sales in this price range, 6 years ago there would've been multiple offers on this house. Such a shame. Buyer liked the additional BR's on the 2nd flr, some concerns though over the structural integrity of the rear porch. I'm hopeful we will take a second look after the holiday." Those were some encouraging words. So, today, John, with the help of my brother, Joe, went to the old house and fixed the back porch. They fixed it, like fixed it, like John doesn't have to lay in bed anymore wide awake worrying about the back porch falling off the house. He's so excited, and I am too. Come on, person, come back and take another look, see the fixed porch and make us an offer!

Christmas Tree Day

2011-11-25T21:01:00.000-06:00

There's always a place to play Hide and Seek.

In front of our tree

Sean (Natalie's boyfriend), Natalie, John, pregnant me, Heather, Donna, Charlotte, Cecilia, Jack and Gabriel in front of Donna's tree

Charlotte "helping" John put the lights on the tree

the baby (for now)

John is so good at putting the lights on the tree, especially when I say it needs a few more. ;)

"I can help! I can do it!"

Happy Thanksgiving from the New House

2011-11-24T16:48:00.002-06:00

I have much to be thankful for; a loving family, a healthy pregnancy, food on the table, and amazing friends. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

THE Move

2011-11-23T04:18:00.004-06:00

Well, if you haven't guessed it yet, we have moved. I feel like I have been writing this blog post for years, and now that it is here, I'm not sure what to say. Our house is still for sale in St. Louis, but we are renting a house now in downtown Ste. Genevieve. It's a cute house, old, with lots of charm. The carpet is bad, and the square footage is less, and there is no tv reception, but it almost butts up to the winery's property, and is about 6 blocks from John's job, so it will do for now.

The overall plan is to sell our house up there, buy this house and keep it as a rental, and then buy another house to live in. I'm not sure it will all work like that, and I'm not certain the timing, but, in theory, we won't be in this house long. It all hinges on 2 things; when our house sells up there, and what the bank will loan us for another house. I never thought that in May of 2010 when we put our house on the market that we would still own it today. I never thought when we bought our house 8 years ago that we'd still be in it today and would have such a hard time selling it. (this economy is sooooooooo bad) I never thought when I was growing up in Ste. Genevieve, that I'd be back here as an adult.

I have a lot of anxiety about this move, and most of it does not involve the concrete, tangible part of moving all our stuff and living out of boxes while I am 9 months pregnant. Most of my anxiety comes from my childhood, or rather my high school years. I had friends in high school. I still consider a few of them my best friends, so it wasn't like I was isolated or ostracized. There were just a handful of people that looked down on me, and made me feel insecure. I imagine everyone in high school felt like that at one point or another. All I could dream about in those formative years was an escape, was a better place to live, and it's hard for me to come back to this place with open arms. My first instinct is to hole up like a hermit, although we all know that's not a natural part of my outgoing personality. Having a newborn in winter might help, though. I was sharing some of my apprehension with Becky, who also grew up here, and she told me she was always envious of my, "I don't care what you think attitude" in high school. I think I was able to have that stance because I thought for sure I wasn't going to come back around, and now not only am I here, I'm here for the duration. I know I don't have to answer to those people, I can make my own way in this small town. I push a lot of my own unease onto visions of my children, and I know it doesn't have to be that way for them.

John has taken to this town like a dog to a bone, and he has shown me that even though this is a small town, that a majority of the people who live here are good and friendly. I think his personality is a little less harsh than mine, so everyone likes him, but I do know that I am 36, and all those people that I knew back then are adults now too, and so maybe our lives can again cross paths as 36 year olds, and not 15 year olds. I know I'm too busy at the moment to worry too much about what those handful of people are thinking. It's when we send the girls to school that makes me most nervous, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And, I'm probably not giving my kids enough credit. I know they are likable cute kids, and they'll make good friends, and be able to be their own person, and that it'll all be ok.

I know this move is right for my family. I know John loves working down here, and when he's happy, we're all happy. I know we'll have more time together, more time to sleep, more time to play, more time to just live. I know that having 2 houses will be hard financially, but that in the end we'll spend less money on unimportant things like gas, and vehicle repairs, and move on to more important things to spend money on like education and piano lessons and soccer cleats. I'm not saying I don't want to move (too late!), I'm just saying that I know it will take some time to get used to and that right now it feels a little like I'm brushing my hair in the wrong direction.

Can't help but think and wonder what advice mom would have. She always had advice, sometimes when you didn't even ask for it, but I could use some now. Coming from St. Louis, and moving to the farm was hard on her, we all knew it, and now I feel like I am repeating her journey. Wonder what she'd say to me today.

that's prob'ly where they'll bury me

2011-11-22T20:54:00.000-06:00

Well I was born in a small town
And I live in a small town
Prob'ly die in a small town

Christmas Card Sneak Peak

2011-11-21T09:54:00.002-06:00

I had some pictures taken of the girls to make my Christmas card experience a little easier this year. These were taken in Forest Park a few weeks ago by Phillip and Samantha Milam at Pay It Forward Photography. They were really great. I can highly recommend them. We were their last clients on a busy day for them and they had so much patience with the girls. I'm thinking that I'll use one of these pictures, plus try to get a quick one with the girls holding baby brother and viola! my Christmas cards will be finished. =) If that doesn't work, I'll try to get one nice picture of him by himself, add that to the card and do it that way. I'll have Christmas cards, new baby announcements and new address notifications all done at the same time. The thought of that much multi-tasking makes this momma very happy. Anyone want to volunteer which picture they like the best? The clear front runners are the first and last pictures.

Make your own slideshow with music at Animoto.

2011-11-20T20:44:00.000-06:00

She's just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere

Tower Grove Park

2011-11-19T20:40:00.001-06:00

This was taken a couple weeks ago. Probably one of the last pictures in Tower Grove Park.

Staind-Black(Pearl Jam cover)

2011-11-18T06:55:00.001-06:00

This is one of my favorite all time songs, easily in my top 5 favorite songs. This rendition that Aaron Lewis from Staind is freaking amazing. This is what music is about, this song epitomizes what music should be like. If you can watch this video and not feel something, or want to feel something then you and I probably can't be friends. ;)

Pearl Jam originally recorded this song, and they did a fabulous job of it. This song can take me back to 1994 in an instant. I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and we sat in his truck and he played this song for me, and sang the part, "I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"

I knew right then I was making the right decision. Even now when I hear those words I feel empowered knowing that I am the sun in someone else's life and breaking up with that dumbass was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. Even though this song can transport me back in time, it also reinforces what I am doing today. I love my husband. I chose an amazing partner, and that is, on an everyday basis, one of the best feelings in the world.

Little Learner

2011-11-17T21:16:00.002-06:00

I took Cecilia to a sibling class at the hospital, and she just loved it. She's on the right, with the pigtails. She's a natural learner, answered all the questions, and had no problem speaking up or talking to the teacher. At home, she is always using new words, always asking what words mean, always drawing letters or people. Can't wait to see her excel in school. Can't wait to see her be such a good big sister, just like she is with Charlotte.

Already Making Friends

2011-11-16T07:46:00.001-06:00

This is the note we received on the truck this morning when we parked on the street last night after unloading.

People in Ste. Genevieve are so friendly.

Gotta Love A Good Girlie Get Together

2011-11-15T07:52:00.000-06:00

Try our video maker at Animoto.

8 years and 4 nights exactly

2011-11-14T21:55:00.001-06:00

This is our last night in this house.

Fall Fun

2011-11-13T13:06:00.003-06:00

I'm a sucker for some good leaf raking pictures. =) November 2010 with Norah and Louis, More from last year, even more from last year, this one that I won an honorable mention for, these are sweet, and finally this one.

Charlotte's baby

2011-11-12T06:00:00.001-06:00

baby brother

2011-11-11T07:36:00.003-06:00

I had another ultrasound on Wednesday. It's always good to see the little guy and know that everything is happening as it should in there. Ultrasounds are very reassuring. He weighs 6 pounds, 8 ounces. The doctor thinks he will be in between Cecilia's 7 pounds 8 ounces and Charlotte's 8 pounds 8 ounces. I am scheduled to have a C-section the morning of December 8th. It feels good to have a date set. I know it's a strange way to prepare for birth, but I feel like there are so many unknowns in my life right now, having this child's birthday predetermined works for me. Of course, he could come early, which in case I go to the hospital and they do the C-section then.

This is a picture of his profile. You can see his forehead, little button nose, and I think his arm and hand. He had the umbilical cord across his face, like across the bridge of his nose, and the sonographer was trying to get him to move around a little bit, but with no luck, so you can see right above his nose the umbilical cord.
This is a 3-D picture, which I will have to admit I never like. They always creep me out, like it's a tiny little Benjamin Button in there, or a baby covered in plastic wrap . In this picture he is looking right at me, his little eyes open, umbilical cord across the right side of his face, near his right eye, and maybe his hand and arm along the bottom of the picture, and close to his mouth. He looks cute and round, and a little less creepy than most 3-D pictures I've seen. Less than a month and we'll be face to face with our little darling. I'm looking forward to holding him and seeing him in person.

I've said it before...

2011-11-10T05:12:00.002-06:00

She has such good hair. That slightly curly hair comes from John, not me, and I think it's one of the best gifts he could have given her. Alongside Charlotte's platinum blonde hair (also inherited from John) I've never seen more beautiful children.

November 9th

2011-11-09T19:08:00.004-06:00

I picked all my tomatoes today because we're probably going to get our first frost tonight. I'm pretty proud of these late season pretties. Got my fresh mozzarella and fresh basil waiting patiently. That's going to be a good salad. =) I've probably eaten Caprese salad ten times this year, including one in NYC and one at Maggiano's. Yum-O. Feeling like a master gardener over here.

How did she get so big?

2011-11-08T13:56:00.001-06:00

Mumford & Sons - Awake My Soul (Live at Reading Festival 2010) - 2/9

2011-11-07T05:24:00.001-06:00

This is my new favorite band, Mumford and Sons. I bought the cd for John for our anniversary because I knew he really liked them. The first couple times I heard the cd, I just thought they were ok, then I saw them on the Grammy's last year and was really impressed. This, right here, is what real music is all about; the passion, the talent, the lyrics, the energy. If it were up to me there would be more "Awake My Soul" and less "Party Rock Anthem." Just sayin'.

2011-11-06T14:59:00.001-06:00

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.
Abraham Lincoln

Pregnancy Update

2011-11-05T04:35:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of Baby Brother taken in June. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday, and I can't wait to see how much he's grown. The doctor said at the last visit that I am measuring small, which could mean the baby isn't as big as he should be, but she didn't seem too worried.

This has been a pretty typical pregnancy, harder on me, but I guess each pregnancy gets harder, especially when you have three of them in less than four years. This first trimester was the hardest first trimester I have had, just feeling sick to my stomach a lot, and exhausted. I am much more tired, have lots of heartburn, swollen ankles, and my varicose and spider veins have taken over my right leg and ankle. It's not pretty. Plus, I can't sleep, constantly tossing and turning, getting up to use the bathroom, waking at 4 a.m. and not able to go back to sleep. I guess it's just training for a newborn. I have reached the part in my pregnancy where I do believe have the baby would be better than being pregnant. Even though he will be screaming, and needing to be nursed and have diaper changes, at least I won't be carrying him around every step of the way. A lot of times right now I'm carrying him and at least Charlotte and on occasion Cecilia too.

The girls talk a lot about Baby Brother. Charlotte likes to lift up my shirt and talk to him and I squeeze my belly and pretend he's talking back. Sometimes she squeezes her own belly and pretend to have a baby in her belly too. I'll have to try to get a video of that because I think it's super cute. Cecilia and I go today to a sibling class at the hospital, to get her familiar with the building, the rooms, and hold a baby doll. I took her to a similar class before Charlotte was born, and I'm pretty sure she had no idea what was going on. I think this time it might set in. I'm not taking Charlotte to a sibling class. I didn't sign her up because she's not very good at sitting still. We have gone to a few story times at the library, and he runs around like a crazy lady, climbing on chairs, all the while the librarian tries to say politely, "Sit down on the rug please." She's just too young, too active, and has too much of a mind of her own to sit nicely.

I keep having visions of Charlotte and the Baby Brother instigating each other, daring one another to jump off stuff, or all sorts of other thing I can't even picture right now. Cecilia is my calm one, little bit of a mother hen, little bit of a tattle tale. I know I'm supposed to discourage Cecilia's tattling, but can't I just use it in my favor for a few years (or more?)

Less than 5 weeks to go...

It's My Bedtime

2011-11-04T21:06:00.001-05:00

Grandma and her girls

Happy Halloween!

2011-11-03T13:27:00.005-05:00

Does this costume look familiar? Check back in two years to see Baby Brother in it. =)

My two girls

Cecilia as Belle, Charlotte as Nemo and Ruthie was a flapper

Jamie was a dog, so cute

Becky and Baby Maggie the Butterfly

Their mode of getting around from house to house; Daddy's strong arms and a little red wagon full of two little girls, a blanket and lots of candy

You Know It's Fall When...

2011-11-02T13:06:00.004-05:00

a cinnamon stick in every jar

Tom takes a turn stirring the apple butter in the copper kettle

the finished product, let your mouth water

It's a family tradition.

Nov 1

2011-11-01T21:08:00.001-05:00

We made apple butter today. I'll have more pictures later, but it's late, and my phone won't let me use my blogger app until I sign in somewhere, and that takes too much energy and brain power and patience. Maybe I'll have one or more of those tomorrow.

Pure Bliss, or something like that

2011-10-30T20:46:00.004-05:00

This picture was on John's mom's camera, and I just had to have it. It makes me smile, makes me laugh out loud. Poor Charlotte, did not want to go sledding last year on Cecilia's birthday. We tried to get her to like it, but she was just not having it. I hope some day she can look back on this picture and not think, "look what mom did to me" and instead think, "look at the opportunities mom set before me." Or, maybe she could just have a good laugh too, like I do.

There are many days around here lately that I'd like to make this face too.

This is the good, the bad and the ugly of our life right now.

And, on an even crazier note, I just signed up for NaBloPoMo again. Should be an interesting month for us, so hopefully you three people that are still out there looking at this here blog will stay tuned.

More Summer Fun

2011-08-18T08:00:00.003-05:00

We've spent some nice evenings this summer at Christy's house, enjoying the pool, eating dinner outside. These pictures were taken in May, they don't have their suits on yet.

Last Day of Summer Fun

2011-08-15T18:09:00.002-05:00

This was John's last day of summer break, so I took off work, and we decided to have one last fun summer day together. We went to City Museum, and had a blast. We'll all sleep good tonight. =) Tomorrow the alarm will go off early, and we're back at 'em, and Friday John starts school again. I think I'm picking grapes tomorrow. Time flies when you're having fun.

Sleeping Cherubs

2011-07-29T21:13:00.002-05:00

When I'm old and gray I think I'll like pictures like these best. Heck, I like them now. Just look at them, so sweet and sleeping. Cute cute cute.

Here's to a weekend of not much going on! =) Cue the track laughter.

They've got it pretty good.

2011-07-26T09:57:00.003-05:00

We moved Charlotte out of the crib, and into Cecilia's room, and into a single bed. We also moved Cecilia out of her little crib/daybed into a single bed, and bought new bedding. The room turned out super cute. We moved them both into the smaller of two rooms upstairs because that room has a window air conditioner and although there is one vent in each room up there, it still gets warm, and Charlotte looks so pitiful after waking up from a nap all sweaty. That's the good news. The good news is the room is cute and they have both graduated to regular beds. The bad news is that Charlotte will not stay in her new bed. She gets into Cecilia's bed and jumps around. She goes out into the hall, or comes downstairs saying she needs to go potty, even if she went potty 3 minutes ago. She gets down and takes all the books off the book shelf. This morning I found close to 10 books in Cecilia's bed, including 2 or 3 big books under the covers and down by her legs. Most of the time, if they aren't screaming at each other, I let them work it out. This usually includes going up there about 3 or 4 times a night to scare them with my mom voice back into their beds, and occasionally ends with the crib rolled into the room and Charlotte in the crib in the air conditioning.

John had to work on Sunday, and when I went up there to lay them down for a nap, I noticed two wall hangings were off the wall. They are framed trees that my Grandma Gen made out of fabric and ribbon. I was really, really mad. Cecilia said Charlotte ripped them up, pieces of fabric and ribbon was everywhere. =( I put Charlotte in the crib, yelled, searched frantically for all the pieces of the trees, and yelled some more. Cecilia hid under her covers. As I was leaving I told Charlotte that if she ever did anything like that again I was going to "beat her butt." Cecilia asked, "what does beat mean?"

And in that moment, instead of feeling embarrassed for saying such an awful thing to my child, I felt proud that my children don't know what it means for their parents to hit them. Progress. Evolution.

First Movie

2011-07-24T14:28:00.004-05:00

the poster outside (it was hot and sunny)

the display inside

Popcorn!

We took the girls to their first big screen movie, Winnie the Pooh. It was a short one, a mere 1 hour and 9 minutes, but I was pleased as punch that Charlotte did not decide to roam the halls. When the movie didn't entertain her, the popcorn did. =) Cecilia was a natural, she watches TV and movies like no one I've ever seen. She can't take her eyes off it, and can not have a conversation either. We've been talking about the Backson (from the movie) ever since. There's a new Muppet movie coming in November I'd like to try to brave.

Ballet

2011-07-23T15:07:00.003-05:00

Charlotte's Actual Birthday

2011-07-11T06:58:00.004-05:00

We celebrated Charlotte's birthday back on May 1st, but I just got her professional pictures taken last week, and am posting the pictures from the party in May today. Better late than never. =)

Charlotte is 2

2011-07-09T18:46:00.004-05:00

Two months after her second birthday we had a minute this morning to get some pictures taken of Charlotte. I tried to get some outfits to show off her nice eyes.

Toes in the Sand

2011-07-07T08:30:00.002-05:00

Charlotte got a turtle sand box for her birthday, and although I underestimated the messiness of the sand, the turtle has proven herself useful, and provided hours of fun already. =)

Just Look at Her!

2011-07-06T07:42:00.008-05:00

We went to Tower Grove Park on the Fourth of July for their Compton Heights Band Concert, and helped them set the world record for kazoo players. The girls loved it too, Cecilia played her kazoo the entire time, even through the songs we weren't supposed to hum to, and Charlotte ran around like a crazy woman (like she does every other day.) I did happen to get some nice pictures of Charlotte though, which is rare. She is a cutie.

This is my favorite new picture of Charlotte.

Charlotte, 26 months old

all smiles

She looks like my niece, Emily, to me at this age.

This picture is a little blurry, but can you see that mischievous grin? It's captivating and quite possibly the ace up her sleeve.

Happy 4th of July!

2011-07-04T16:41:00.001-05:00

It was a scorcher down at the parade Saturday morning, but we found some shade, some ice, and some candy so we were able to have a good time.

Back in Time

2011-06-22T20:33:00.006-05:00

I had a few work days at home again this winter, and the girls and I just loved being together. There were a few times outs, and a moment or two of me losing it, but most of the time we had fun. They are so much fun to be around, they brighten me from inside out; truly a gift from God. These pictures were taken sometime in March.

Cecilia and chopstick on my bed

I love their feet. Have you ever seen a cuter foot?

One of Charlotte's first ponytails

Bird's Eye View, Charlotte spilled her water

Feet Don't Fail Me Now

2011-06-20T20:53:00.010-05:00

Here's some pictures from John and I's trip to the Big Apple. We went for our 10 year anniversary, and had been dreaming about this trip for about two years. We walked and walked and walked some more, just trying to see everything on our list. It was so nice to spend some time together, to walk hand in hand and making silly jokes or flirt. I married an amazing man, and 16 years after I met him, 11 years after I started dating him, and 10 years after I married him I still find him enchanting, charming, witty, handsome, and sweet. Last night when we were snuggling, he was playing a game on his iphone, and I was trying to sleep, and he turned down the sound so it wouldn't bother me. That's modern day love right there. =) Swoon. =)

Grand Central Station

top of the Empire State Building

Today Show waiting for the New Kids on the Block and Back Street Boys (NKOTBSB) to perform

Lady Liberty in the distance

Wall Street Bull

WICKED!

High Line Park

Seinfeld Diner

Nobu

Citygarden

2011-06-19T21:40:00.007-05:00

I love evenings like this. We had cousins come spend the night, took them to citygarden, and it was just an all around good evening.

Cecilia's First Ballet Recital

2011-06-15T20:40:00.006-05:00

She's clearly cuter than those other girls.

Cecilia had her first ballet recital on Saturday, and I don't think I've seen anything cuter. They danced to Winnie the Pooh and held teddy bears, and it was just all I could do to keep it together. These pregnancy hormones think I should cry every half an hour. =( The group before Cecilia's group could not do any of the dance at the dress rehearsal, and I had to turn my head away to control my giggles, tear producing giggles. Oh, I almost forgot, she had lipstick (lip gloss) and blush on.

This video was taken at the dress rehearsal with John's iphone. Cecilia is third from the right, with the brown bear.

Two of a Kind Working on a Full House

2011-06-12T19:59:00.003-05:00

I have lots of stuff to share with you, trips, and all, but this is what I can't stop thinking about. =) I'm 14 weeks along already, which is great. Our life sure will be different, I'm sure, but I'm ready. Cecilia and Charlotte bring me so much joy (a few grey hairs too) and I'm sure this little person will just add to the love in this house. Cecilia has mixed feelings already. She plays with babies a lot, so I think she'll be a great helper. She asked me today if the baby was doing ok. Cute. Every once in a while she asks me why we need three babies, and I just tell her three babies sounds like even more fun. It's very important to me that she doesn't feel slighted. Charlotte really doesn't understand, which is ok, she won't know any different. Here we go. Wheeee!!!

Girl, You're Amazing!

2011-05-08T06:50:00.003-05:00

She turned 3 in December, I got these pictures taken in January, and I'm sharing them with you now, in May, 5 months later. Charlotte's birthday was last week, no telling when I'll get around to sharing those pictures. She's growing up right before my eyes. Yesterday we went to a carnival, and there was a ride Cecilia was tall enough for, but it looked a little fast, and she went up there, gave her tickets to the guy by herself, sat down next to another little girl, started talking to her, made friends (she's not shy) and then when the ride started, and I thought she might freak out on the fast part, she loved it. I stood there holding Charlotte, standing next to John, and asked him, "How did she get so separate from me?"

Motherhood is one big long journey of making someone, actually making them out of nothing, someone who is totally dependent on you in every way, and teaching that someone to be independent from you. I've got the dependancy thing down pat. It's the independancy thing that somehow might be harder.

Happy Mother's Day!

Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they're not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying

She's so beautiful
And I tell her every day

Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don't see what I see

But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she'd let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy

She's so beautiful

And I tell her every day

Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you're searching for
Then just stay the same

So don't even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

The way you are
The way you are
Girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
Cause you're amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you're amazing
Just the way you are

Charlotte's Heart

2011-03-29T10:34:00.000-05:00

I get stuck sometimes on a blog post. I put up that post about Java, and then couldn't move past it. I kept thinking of new things to put up, new pictures, and I still haven't finished all the Hat or Not Hat pictures, but then I ask myself if any of those thoughts in my head or pictures I'm taking are worthy of moving past Java's death, and then realize they are not. Just about the only thing that makes the cut for me is another serious matter, and that is Charlotte's heart. She has a big heart, gives lots of nice head on the shoulder, "hug hug hugs." Her heart was also born with a defect, two defects in fact. When she was born, the doctors heard a heart murmur, and when they looked closer, they also found a hole in her heart between the two ventricles. The doctors said that the murmur was pretty common, and after talking to friends and family, I was surprised at how many of them had their own heart murmurs, or who used to have them and have grown out of them. The hole is a little more serious, and the doctors said we should give it three years to see if it can heal on it's own. So, she's had routine echo cardiograms, and sonograms, and so far, the hole is still there, which is a bummer. If she still has the hole by her third birthday they will do a small procedure where they take a device up through an artery in her groin, and place it in the hole, and her heart will grow around the device. They sent us home with a brochure. I'm sure the brochure it supposed to make us feel better, but the name on the front of the brochure alone scares the bejesus out of me. "A Patient's Guide To Transcatheter Closure of an Atrial Septal Defect using the AMPLATZER Septal Occluder System." Hmmm... If she doesn't get it fixed, one side of her heart could get bigger than the other, and work harder, and make her more tired.

So, I feel like we've been given one year to say some prayers. If she has to have the procedure, she'll have to spend the night in the hospital, and although the doctors say they do many of these, it still sounds scary. Charlotte can't sit still one minute, she won't even watch tv, so how is she going to stay on a hospital bed for such a length of time? If for some reason she isn't a good candidate for the device, or they give her the device and it doesn't work, she'll have to have open heart surgery. I can't imagine. In the brochure one of the Potential Risks is death. So, I guess I'm asking yout to say some prayers too. If you are reading this, please take some time and ask the Lord to bless our little Charlotte and let her little heart heal itself.

My Lap And Heart Are Empty

2011-02-22T13:07:00.003-06:00

Java's story starts in Fresno, California in 1997. I was living in a four bedroom apartment that did not allow pets. It was summer, and all my roommates went home, and I had the place to myself. In August I was moving into an apartment with Katie the Lady (another story for another day) and that apartment complex did allow pets. Katie didn't necessarily want a cat, but I knew that if I got one before I moved in, there was nothing she could do. There was a cat hanging around Katie's apartment, and when I finally decided to bring that cat into my life, he was sick. I named him Fernando, fed him some milk, and he died overnight in the bathroom. It was traumatic. It was getting to be mid July when I saw an ad in the grocery store for free kittens. I called the number and asked them if they had an orange male. I can't remember what they said, but when I got there, all they had was a black male. I took him. We had about two weeks in the Bulldog apartments where they didn't allow cats, and he was a kitten taken from his home and he liked to cry and meow. The building manager, Greenie, who I was friends with said he wouldn't tell on me since I was moving. I was the only girl working long hours in the vineyards, and I can remember that first day the guys asking me if I left the toilet seat up because indoor cats could drown in the toilet. I rushed home at lunchtime, much to their delight. Every night when I would get home, Java would meow and cry until I picked him up. I used to carry him around like a baby after I took a shower, and fix my dinner, talk on the phone. From the very beginning he was affectionate, needy, attentive, and demanding. He learned to sleep through the night quickly and soon we moved into Katie's apartment on East Nees.

Java stayed only in my room until I could get him declawed, which was maybe September. After he got full rein of the apartment, he liked to dig in Katie's houseplants, spill vases of flowers and water on her wood tables, and drive Katie crazy. Still, on many lonely nights when I spent hours entertaining myself by making bagels, Java was right there with me. He was my best and most steadfast friend out there in Fresno. Surrounded my people who didn't know the real meaning of friendship, Java and I only grew closer.

In June of 1998, I moved home, back to Missouri to take a summer internship at AB, and then a fall internship back in Sonoma, so Java moved into the farm with Mom and Dad. He was excellent on planes by then, and the trips were always painless. Java won Mom over in no time, and she was always opposed to inside pets. He was charming, well behaved, and proper. She used to set a towel on the sofa for him, and he also sat right there. He spent a Christmas Eve at the farm surrounded by 20 Hoffmeisters, one louder than the next, batting wads of wrapping paper, or walking around the top of the sofa. He was never shy, one of the most social cats ever. He loved to watch the birds in the window bird feeder. He got out one time (that I know of) and tore a big hunk of hair out of the farm tom cat. He always ruled the roost.

In January 1999 he came back to Fresno with me for one more semester, and in May 1999, Java, Dad, and I drove back to Missouri.; Dad in the driver's seat, me in the passenger seat of the truck, and Java in between on a pillow. He was always an excellent traveler.

October 1999 brought us to my first apartment on my own in south St. Louis. He was about as flexible as a cat could be, never feeling like the new place was strange, always sniffing it out and then finding a nice place in the sun to take a nap.

November 2000 was when my mom died, and Java became a huge source of support. Java and I had a lot of bonding moments in that apartment on Jamieson, but when the time was right, we opened our hearts to one John Mooney. John likes to remember a night when Java knocked over a cup of water on me in the middle of the night, and I like to remind John when he thought Java was attacking him in the middle of the night, and it turns out it was just a shoe. =) At this apartment, we also welcomed Tabasco.

Our two years in Soulard seem like a blip on the time line, all that truely sticks out is the addition of the kittens, Tony Danza, Chester, and the other one we gave away.

We've been here the longest. This was the place that Java lived the longest. We spent everynight curled up in the red chair watching tv. I couldn't sit down without Java jumping up onto my lap, at the computer, on the sofa, sometimes even at dinner. We loved to take naps together on the sofa, loved to climb high on my chest like he liked the smell of my breath. He was very regal. He was everywhere I was. He was my constant. And the way he was with the girls was just unbelievable, but I guess it was believable because it was Java. So exceptional. He let them climb all over him, pull his tail, his fur, his ears. There were many evening with both girls and Java on my lap. He loved the attention, and I loved that he loved them.

Last October, I changed the food, and although I can't prove it, I blame Tabasco and Java's death on that food, or the change in food. Tabasco put on weight, and Java lost. I switched back to the regular food around Thanksgiving, but by then it was too late. I took Java to the vet on December 23rd, first time he had been to the vet, first time he needed to go to the vet, in 8 years. After a few visits and check ups, the vet decided he had a fast growing tumor, and was old too to operate. On Dec 24th, 2011, Tabasco died. I have a hard time believing that having two cats be so sick so close to each other is coincidental. Maybe I just want something to blame, some reason, but for me that reason is that food. When the vet gave us that bad diagnosis, I never thought Java would make it until Valentine's Day, but he did. We cherished those last few weeks with him, but he wasn't the same cat. He was weak, and didn't really know what was going on around him. On Saturday, Feb 19th, after not eating for at least a week, he took a turn for the worse. I watched him all day, making sure he was breathing. I took a good nap with him on the couch, and he died around 11:30 p.m. at night, right after I moved him to the bed to sleep with us. I held his paw.

We buried him at the farm on Sunday. And now here I am, missing him. Except for those few months he lived at the farm, we have been together everyday for almost 14 years. That's 37% of my life. I miss him. He really was one of a kind. Not that many cats are that social, that well behaved, that patient with babies, that low maintenance. He used to seek me out, he used to find me and sit on me. I really think he loved me as much as I loved him. And now I'm left with Tony Danza and Chester, who only meow of rub up on me when they are hungry, who hide when guests come over, heck Chester hides when the girls are here, which is like all the time. They are very independant, they don't make me feel loved. They make me feel used. I know I should feel closer to them now, or appreciate them now, but I don't. I'm mad that Java is gone, and they are still here. I know that sounds horrible, and I feel bad for not being more attached, but it's the truth. Who's going to sleep with me and protect me when John is out of town? Who's going to lay on my clothes and hang out while I take a bath? Who's going to snuggle with me on my weekend afternoon naps? I am feeling a void.

And if you didn't get enough of Java pictures up above here's a movie or two. This first one was taken in November 2009, and shows just how good natured Java was. This second one shows just how Java was there for it all, always politely wanting to be included, never intrusive.

They Are So Tiny

2011-02-19T00:06:00.001-06:00

BALLS!

2011-02-18T23:55:00.002-06:00

Cecilia kind of looks like I cut and pasted her head on top of her body, plus she is wearing a tutu. Naturally, Charlotte is doing what Cecilia is doing. There's a lot of "monkey see, monkey do" over here.

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Pillows and Jeopardy

2011-02-17T19:58:00.001-06:00

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Taking It To The Next Level

2011-02-15T15:12:00.001-06:00

Charlotte has recently bumped up her Hot or Not Hat game. It only gets better from here.

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Just Hanging Around

2011-02-13T09:23:00.001-06:00

My three favorite people all wrapped up in a Mizzou snuggie

We Play A Lot of Hide and Seek Over Here

2011-02-10T20:47:00.002-06:00

I can assure you that playing hide and seek at home is much better than playing it in the car.

Java Schmava

2011-02-09T20:58:00.002-06:00

Java is still doing his thing. The vet has decided that he has a fast growing tumor, and so we know our days with him are numbered, and so we treasure them. He doesn't eat much, and lays around a lot. He is skinnier than ever, and isn't nearly as social as he used to be, but if I find him, and put him on my lap, or on the bed, he'll snuggle. Want to see more of Java featured here on the blog? Click here, here, here, and here.

Double Your Pleasure

2011-02-08T19:47:00.003-06:00

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Do they look a little like robots to you?

With a Bang

2011-02-03T20:24:00.002-06:00

This is what happens when both parents try to clean the ceiling fan.

Kicking off Hat or Not Hat Month in full swing over here.

Her feet like this make me think of my favorite Dr. Seuss book.

Snow Day

2011-02-02T17:31:00.009-06:00

Doing the Potty Dance because Charlotte has gone on the potty 3 times in the past 2 days! Yay!

Big hug

Sharing Cheerios and the top of the ottoman

Playing in the bed

Another sweet hug

Big laughs

This one is my favorite.

Don't think it's all lovely dovey over here. While I was uploading these pictures, Charlotte hit Cecilia over the head with a metal chime.

Cecilia's First Hair Cut

2011-01-28T20:33:00.003-06:00

Three years old and getting her first hair cut. Is that possible? She can't be related to Tom, the world's hairiest baby. She definitely inherited my speed of hair growth. I'm trying to stimulate growth for her flower girl debut next January for Abbey's wedding. She did really good, sat very still. Must have been the Oberweis ice cream I enticed her with.

Getting ready for our month of Hat or Not Hat? I'd love to see any and all entries. =) February is just around the corner.

My Favorite Holiday Tradition

2011-01-22T13:08:00.002-06:00

We have been using the same dough recipe and cutters for as long as I can remember. The butter cookie recipe comes from my Great Grandma, Charlotte Hundhausen. Some of the cutters are new, some are older than me. I love the decorating, the sprinkles, the getting together. Makes me feel like a kid, and also warms my heart to pass on this tradition to my kids. Good stuff right here.

Cecilia Turns 3

2011-01-21T20:17:00.003-06:00

Cecilia turned 3 on December 26th, and we had a nice day. The girls got tobaggons for Christmas and it snowed pretty good on Christmas Eve, so Cecilia, Charlotte, Helen and I went sledding at Art Hill; the premier sledding place in the Lou. Cecilia and I loved it. Charlotte hated it, and made Helen's time less enjoyable too. Hopefully she'll like it when she's older. Then we had everyone over in the evening for dinner, cake (pink and purple just like she wanted)(John made the cake), and then opened presents. She's 3!

One More of Tabasco

2011-01-13T20:07:00.003-06:00

After looking at all those kitten pictures of Tabasco, I think this is one of my favorites. This was taken with my nice camera, and makes him look noble, and wise, and deep in thought, and content, and mellow. I always loved how his yellow eyes matched his fur, and his nose was so irresistibly pink.

My Least Favorite Post to Date

2011-01-12T20:07:00.006-06:00

I've had a rough few weeks over here, no doubt. It started with the anniversary of Brant's death. I wasn't sure how to bring it up on here, but after much thought, I have decided to plant a tree in Brant's memory in the spring. What kind of tree and where exactly to plant it is still being decided, but it feels like the right thing to do.

On Christmas Eve, after the girls had gone to bed, and while John and I were sitting around the Christmas tree with his parents, our beautiful orange cat, Tabasco, died. He let out a little howl, and I thought maybe his foot was stuck in the spindle of the dining room chair, but when I went over to him, he flopped on the floor, and howled some more. I left the room, too upset to witness his pain. John stayed close to him, trying to help him the best he could. In less than 5 minutes, Tabby was gone. It happened so fast, we just all sat there dumbfounded. It was horrifying.

I always wanted an orange cat. Growing up on the farm, surrounded by cats, we never had an orange one. Right after John and I got married, John's parents' cat had kittens, and so we claimed an orange one. He was rambunctious from the start, used to keep us up all night meowing. Guess he was our practice baby. He liked to give love bites, which drove me crazy. He liked to snuggle, loved to have the top of his back by his tail scratched, but hated to have his belly scratched. He used to chew the other cats' whiskers off. He liked to play catch, if you threw him a soft toy, he would jump up and catch it with his paws. He used to lick John's head like he was cleaning him. He was our most vocal cat, always answering when we called out his name. Sometimes I still think I hear his inquisitive meow. He had weight issues, didn't always like dry chow, so for awhile he ate only wet, canned cat food in the kitchen while the rest of the cats ate the dry chow downstairs. He was special. In the past few years he had gotten heavy, and I guess that did him in. The vet said he probably had a stroke, or a heart attack, and that there was nothing we could do for him, and something like that is very hard to predict.

Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.

I made this little video of him, but it still leaves me feeling empty. I searched high and low for weeks to find this picture of John, and Tabby and I in front of our very first Christmas tree in our apartment in Soulard. We were so happy.

You can see a picture of Tabby here when the Roomba chased him around, and this nice picture from November 2006 of our 4 kitties. We were a 4 cat household for 8 years.

In other crappy news, my darling Java, is very sick. At first the vet thought he had an enlarged kidney, but after going back to the vet today, he thinks Java has a fast growing tumor, maybe on his spleen or something. Oh gosh. We are trying to feed him goodies, and treat him well. I guess that's all we can do for him. Already searched the house and found his kitten pictures, some 13 years ago. Gulp. Sniff. Sob.

6 years and 1 day after my very first post here on this blog, sure isn't as fun as this compilation I put together last year.

Blah.

I Aim to Please

2010-12-15T20:11:00.004-06:00

Amanda indirectly asked for some Hat or Not Hat pictures, and so here they are. I'm not going to put the little voting box, because I know I'll be bummed when the three people I know that are still paying attention vote, and the box stares at me and flashes "3 votes! only 3 votes! what a loser!" At least that's how I envision it. =)

Confucius Says

2010-12-15T05:03:00.003-06:00

One day when John had to work I ordered Chinese food delivery. There is nothing more luxurious or city-fied than having a different cultural food brought to your door. We definitely didn't have that at the farm.

My fortune cookie said, "Your present plans are going to succeed."

Cecilia's fortune cookie said, "You have a natural grace and great consideration of others."

Charlotte's fortune cookie said, "You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily."

Hmmm...

Anybody Want To Weigh In On Christmas?

2010-12-13T20:39:00.003-06:00

So, here's our dilemma, John doesn't think we should tell our kids that Santa brings all the presents, or maybe even any of the presents. He thinks Santa is a big lie, and that it's bad to tell such a big lie to our kids. He also thinks that our kids should understand that our friends and family (and us!) paid hard earned money for these gifts, and they should be appreciative of these people, and not Santa. And as crazy as that all sounds, after I have had years to digest it, I can see where he is coming from. And, so, so far, Charlotte has no clue, but Cecilia knows what Santa looks like, and gets excited about him, but isn't quite sure why yet. I try to stress baby Jesus, and his birthday. I know that I do hate the materialistic form that Christmas has taken, and would like to somehow not have too much of that in this household. We have adopted a family for Christmas, and although Cecilia doesn't understand much of that, I makes me feel better, and I hope one day she will understand that not everyone has a Christmas like we do now. Heck, we might not even have Christmas in the the future like we do now. So, the other day when she asked about Santa, I started telling Cecilia that we give presents to each other, and to others to celebrate and remember Jesus' birth. I can't flat out tell her the truth, for no other reason than to protect all her little friends and cousins. I don't think Santa is the enemy, I think St. Nick did amazing things, and Santa is a modern day form of him.

All that being said, I'm a little confused about where to go from here. I'm sure you're all thinking they'll miss the Christmas magic, and that's a valid point, but I'm not sure they will... How exactly will they miss the magic? Isn't the magic of Christmas that Jesus was born? And on to more concrete questions, is it ok to wrap presents in front of them? In thinking that we're telling them that we give presents, wrapping presents should be ok. But what if they see me wrap a present to Norah and Norah thinks it's from Santa? Will they automatically think that Santa brought them? Will they ask me in the years to come which presents exactly were from Santa? If we don't say yes or no to the idea of Santa directly to their face will they still believe, or be left somewhere confused in the middle?

Unchartered territory over here...

5th Picture of the Tree

2010-12-12T08:50:00.002-06:00

I like trees because they seem more resigned to the way they have to live than other things do.

- Willa Cather

I Try To Be Like Grace Kelly.

2010-12-09T21:42:00.002-06:00

Thursday morning, the sunrise was brilliant the whole way to work, bright pinks, hot reds, then with the clouds coming in from the west, by the time I rushed to my tree, this was all I got. I like it's subtlety, and the grey, lilac colors, but it's kid of a bummer knowing I missed a more radiant sky.

In other news, I CAN NOT get this song and video out of my head...stuck, possibly permanently. I like the song, love the sass, and the whole performance is just great; utterly entertaining.

It's Already Wednesday

2010-12-08T19:58:00.001-06:00

Are these pictures more similar or different than you imagined?

Tuesday Morning

2010-12-07T20:28:00.003-06:00

I had a car and a bus behind me, so I was a little rushed, but here is picture number two of the week. In other bragging rights news, I tied for fourth place in a local photo contest, here's the link. It's highly likely that 8 people competed and 8 people got recognized, but it's fun to think that someone somewhere liked my photo. I didn't even know I had placed, Christy called to tell congratulate me and I didn't know what she was talking about. It was just coincidence that she looked at the Java Journal online today. Funny. I have taken other more artsy fall photos, but I'm just in love with the one I submitted, and thought not that many other people would enter and I might have a chance.

Remember way back here one of my photos was recognized by a different small local newspaper.

The Swing of Things

2010-12-06T20:17:00.002-06:00

Kind of on a roll here with the blogging, kind of enjoying it again...

John's mom is here helping with the girls this week while the regular babysitter is on vaca, so I have my old route to work which includes my favorite tree. I plan to take a picture every morning. I'm digging the pictures pointed right into the sun, who knew?

2010 card

2010-12-05T08:30:00.001-06:00

Plaid Bliss Christmas 5x7 folded card

Get custom photo Christmas cards online at Shutterfly.com.

View the entire collection of cards.

New Bruce

2010-12-04T20:24:00.000-06:00

One of my favorites- caution, not for the faint of heart, or easily offended.

Back On The Market

2010-12-02T20:07:00.002-06:00

We once again have a for sale sign in our yard. After listening to John list all the late nights and weekend work he has in front of him, I called a real estate agent and started this craziness all over again. Last night we toasted to selling the house before New Years. Wish us luck.

Along with my list of ways this house rocks, I also have a list of things I'm looking for in a new house. Here goes: a woodburning fireplace, a pantry, a place for a piano, as much hardwood as possible (this house has zero carpet, and I love that,) a finished basement, flat sunny place for a vegetable garden, a fire pit, nice outdoor furniture, new bedroom furniture and bedding and mattress (still sleeping on a full sized bed that was a hand me down from Matt and Sharon 11 years ago,) framed prints that we brought back from Paris, fixed coo coo clock, a new cat tree, and mostly time...Time to give the girls breakfast at home in the morning, time for John to come home for dinner before going back to a 7 p.m. meeting, time to sleep an extra half an hour every weekday morning, time to get home at a reasonable hour after Muny Band practice and performance. This move is mostly going to give us more time together, and as much as I love this house, love this neighborhood, I love time with my family more.

Cecilia just asked John right before bed, "Who is going to carry our house?" He asked her what she meant, and she said, "Is that guy (real estate agent) is going to carry our house to Ste. Genevieve?"

29/30

2010-12-01T06:20:00.001-06:00

That wraps up NaBloPoMo for me. I didn't do too bad, only missed one day.

Everything Looks Better in Black and White

2010-11-30T20:24:00.004-06:00

This is a picture of my mom in 1957, graduating from high school at Bishop DuBourg. I love this picture, it's so dated but timeless. I love how Grandma Gen is looking at my mom, so proud; her oldest child graduated. I love the way Grandpa Bill looks so debonair, and tall. And the hats, don't get me started telling you how in love I am with those hats, all three of them. November 6th, 2010 marked the 10th anniversary of my mom's passing from this life to the next. I spent it in Chicago with my daughters, my sister, and my aunt Linda, my mom's sister. Mom would have wanted us all to be together.

It's a dull pain, a pain I carry around on my shoulders. It used to be a boulder, and now it's about the size of a grapefruit. I doubt it will get any smaller.

"I miss the sound of your voice

The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said." -Matt Nathanson, Come On Get Higher

All The Leaves Are Brown

2010-11-29T19:20:00.005-06:00

This might be one of my favorite pictures ever of the both of them. Such raw joy.

More leaf raking...Aren't they adorable, all three of them...Hoping our next house has leaves to rake...John is hoping it doesn't.