I Wish The Real World Would Just Stop Hassling Me

Hello there. Checking in are you? Want to know how my world is?

It's exhausting, that's how it is. I'm tired. Fatigue has set in. I can barely see out of these bloodshot eyes. I don't want to get up and go to work anymore. I don't want to try to function on 6 hours sleep night after night. I'm not even that fond of breastfeeding anymore. I'm tired of being attached to Charlotte. I'm tired of Cecilia climbing all over me. I'm tired of being short on patience, crabby, and extra sensitive. If you've recently been around me and I have been less than pleasant, I apologize. My boobs are tender, my legs are ugly from all the blood clots and varicose veins and a few stretch marks, and my hair is starting to fall out.

This isn't an easy transition for anyone in our household. Cecilia varies from loving Charlotte to being jealous of her. John is with Cecilia during the day, and Charlotte is with me, and this works well until all 4 of us get together. I'm not sure what is so hard about it all, it just is. The hardest part is when there is one parent and two children. There is an article in last month's Parenting magazine that says the logistics of having two under two is nearly impossible, and asks the question, "how do you put a 20 month old and a 4 month old to bed at the same time by yourself?" I have wondered this many times already, and failed many times already. Usually Charlotte goes into the swing which she doesn't love, and by the time Cecilia and I are finished brushing her teeth Charlotte is crying, and continues to scream through the diaper changing, pajama putting on, and book reading of Cecilia's bedtime routine. Then I try to rush all these things, and Cecilia wants to look at the book extra long, or doesn't want to open her mouth for the toothbrushing, and I get impatient, put her to bed to rush back down to comfort Charlotte only to hear Cecilia crying upstairs in her crib. Blah.

Having a newborn seems very isolating for me too. I have no one at work to talk to, and I'm not doing Muny Band this year, and I often feel all alone. I can't go too far away from Charlotte because she eats so often, and let's face it, there are very few people lining up to watch a 2 month old who doesn't love the pacifier, and who has had very few bottles in her lifetime. I've tried to plan a few social things lately, so hopefully this will help me feel better.

I have had more than one parent of a teenager offer to switch places with me, and I'm trying hard to keep in mind that someday I'll miss these moments. Cecilia is cute with her little chubby legs and bare feet running all around our hard wood floors, and Charlotte's smile is contagious.

The good news Sara and Chuck and their boys are coming over tomorrow evening, and John and I plan to have a few minutes to ourselves- woo hoo! Guess they are pros at wrangling two children under two- and thankfully they are up to the challenge to throwing two more into the group. Dear Lord, please let it go well for them.