Hello?

Feel like I'm Snow White whistling into the well... "hello?"  Haven't put anything on this old blog for many months.  Can't imagine anyone is still looking.  We have been busy, and times are a changing.  I'm easy to find on facebook, if you know me, and if you're on facebook.  I'm looking at you, Susanne.  =)  I just added an easier way to see my instagram photos.  I'm busy as a beaver over there.  I'll be back here more often someday.  I'll be back for NaBloPoMo in November if nothing else, and anything in between is added bonus.  Yay!

Peace out.

Oh Goodness

This picture was taken literally months ago, but that's ok, right?  This was taken on our 11th anniversary, May 26th, 2012.  A lot has changed in the past 11 years, and I imagine a lot more will change in the next 11 years.    The summer flew by, we're all up and out the door every week day morning now, which makes me sad.  John's back at work, Dominic goes to a new babysitter, and the girls are off to preschool.  This weekend is the annual Jour de Fete in Ste. Genevieve, and now that we live in town, we'll be in the thick of it.  I'm being pulled in a million different directions right now, and just between you and I, something gotta give. Wish me luck, send me hugs, say some prayers.

Lovin's what I got

We've been able to get out and about with all this nice weather.  It's 75 degrees F right now.  Crazy.  My sister, Christy, took these pictures last weekend at Hawn State Park.  They have a nice little trail that runs alongside the Pickle Creek.  Sublime.

In other news, we have people coming to look at the old house today, and I would appreciate some nice thoughts, vibes, prayers, anything to sell that house.  I never, ever imagined when we moved into that house on November 10th, 2003 that 8 years later it would be such a burden. =(  Maybe the luck of the Irish will be on our side today.

No Rest

Life sure is a hoppin and a boppin over here.  Most of it is fun.  This video is fun.  I wish I could just bottle her up and keep her like this.  4 year olds are cute.  Two year olds, on the other hand, not that I'm naming any names, are not that enjoyable lately.  Two year olds cry, all, day, long.  Two year olds have bad dreams about Mommy taking away her candy and Mommy is holding baby brother.  She has been sick, though, lately, because she just started preschool and with preschool comes germs.  I keep telling myself that she's just sick, or she's just two, but what if she's like this when she's not two, or not sick?  I don't want to think about that.  Not that I'm naming any names.

Empathizing With the Rock Biter

On Wednesday Cecilia came to work with me.  I have been toting Dominic around with me all day every day, and Cecilia said last week she wanted to go with me to work, so this week I sent Dominic and Charlotte to the babysitter, Mrs. Christy's, house, and brought Cec with me.  The weather couldn't have been nicer, especially for this time of year, and right before lunch we decided to take a little walk.  She knew where we were going, my favorite place on the farm isn't too far, and we buried Java there last year and went and visited him a few times last year together.  When we got there, we said a few nice words to Java, then Cecilia wanted to head down to the creek just below us.  There's two little waterfalls, and a big puddle, and I'm content nowadays to just stand nearby and listen to the creek's song, but Cecilia kept asking to go closer.  I remember spending so many years of my life hopping from stone to stone on creek after creek, so before we knew it we were standing in the middle of the creek on a big rock covered in wet moss.  Cecilia is a very cautious child, asking everytime, "Mom, can I stand on that rock now?"  She moved to the other side of the creek, hung on a sapling, raised her feet, and the tiny tree broke at the bottom, and she fell over flat on her back.  She cried immediately, that piercing "I'm hurt" cry, and I reached down to pick her up.  I thought maybe she had the wind knocked out of her, and she was scared, but when I put my hand up to her neck I instantly saw blood.  Her blond curls quickly turned red as I climbed, huffing and puffing up the first hill.  I don't do very well with blood, but I knew I had to hold it together for her.  She couldn't see what I could see, which made it much better for her.  It was a long trek from the bottom of the creek to the top of the first hill, carrying all 35 pounds of her, but my adrenaline was moving me forward.  We stopped for a minute, I put her down, and surveyed her wound.  The bleeding had already slowed down, but I couldn't see much.  My fingers were sticky and her collar was reddish brown.  I picked her back up, went down a little hill, and back up another hill to the winery building.  I sat her on the toilet and found Dad.  He looked at her head, said the cut was about a half inch, and not too bad and suggested we take her up to his house to clean her up a little better.  At Dad's house he washed a few curls and her cut with a little soap and water by the kitchen sink, dried her now pink hair with a soft towel, put some triple antibiotic salve on her head, and sat her down to watch some Tom and Jerry and eat a brownie.  She stopped crying, we ate some lunch and she felt better.  I will have to admit I didn't get much work done Wednesday afternoon.  I didn't want to lay her down for a nap in case she had a concussion, so we played ring around the rosie, and took a short walk through the vineyard.  She happily bound around, little curls, some of them blood stained and greasy, moving with every step, and she called out to me, 'Skip with me momma."  I was so happy she was ok.    We got home and showed John, took a nice bath that night and cleaned the cut and her hair real well, and she hasn't mentioned it since, except when Dad called yesterday to see how she was doing.

I, on the other hand, can't get it out of my mind.  I was standing right there...she's so cautious....I spent my entire childhood doing just what she was doing...what kind of mother am I?  Why do I have all these nurturing instincts if they can't help me?  I replay the whole scenario everytime I lay down to sleep, everytime I do the dishes, everytime I take a shower.  I'm reminded of a character of one of my favorite movies, The Neverending Story.  In it, there's a guy called the Rock Biter.  He's made of rock, his whole body, and he's so strong.  They are all running away from The Nothing, and he tries to hold on to his friends, but The Nothing sucks them out of his hands like a vacuum.  He sits there, defeated, and tells his friend, Atreyu, "They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were. My little friends. The little man with his racing snail, the Nighthob, even the stupid bat. I couldn't hold on to them. The nothing pulled them right out of my hands. I failed."  


This is how I feel when I think about this incident with Cecilia, and also when Charlotte burned her hand two years ago.  I feel like I am equipped with all the makings of a good mom, but sometimes I fail.  I know this is part of parenting, and I can't shield them from everything bad, but it seems like such a kick in the face to have it happen right in front of me, right when I'm standing right there.  I know this anxiety will pass, and sadly, I know this isn't the last time I will feel like this.

Blissfully Ignorant

This picture was taken the night before Dominic was born, December 7th, 2011.  Looks how cute and innocent I look.    Remember when I said that I thought being pregnant was worse than having a new born?  How naive of me.  How special.  How idiotic.  Here I sit 8 days later, feeling the weight of a newborn child hit our life like a ton of bricks.  And he only weighs 7 and a half pounds!  To be fair, it's not really right to blame Dominic.  He's cute and sweet and just doing what newborns do.  He can be fun and the girls just adore him and can't keep their hands off him.  Here's how my life is shaping up right about now.  (funk soul brother)

1.  I have a terrible cold.  I lost my voice most of the time I was in the hospital, with people visiting and nurses asking me questions, and family members calling on the phone, my voice was being most annoying.  I went to the clinic yesterday (what a day that was) convinced I had a sinus infection, but no, I only have the common cold.    I know you're not supposed to take antibiotics if you're not really sick, and I am one of the biggest proponents of that, but it is frustrating to feel so awful and leave the clinic with no medicine.  The nurse wanted to give me tylenol with codine, but wasn't sure she could because I am nursing.  It feels like the world is going to stop and my C-section stitches are going to burst right open when I cough.  Good times.
2.  I once again have those pesky superficial blood clots in my legs.  My OB's nurse called yesterday and when I told her about them and how they were getting worse, she insisted I go get them checked with doppler that day.  So, I called Dad, and he drove Dominic and I to the vascular diagnostic center, then to the clinic.  It was a long tiresome day, but I was very appreciative that Dad could help me, as yesterday was John's first day back at work.  The blood clots will all go away on their own, but they stretch up and down the outside of both legs, and continuing up to my groin area.  They are red, hard, and very tender, and I always seem to bump them on a chair as I go by, or Charlotte or Cecilia seem to know just where they are when they try to climb on me.
3.  The breastfeeding is harder than I remembered.  I know I'll get the swing of it, but it's been a tough few days at home.  Most of the time I feel like I have two croquet balls instead of boobs.  Good times.
4.  Someone has called to talk to me about work almost everyday, and I have put in some computer time 3 days so far, including payroll today.  I know plenty of you can't believe I only take a few weeks off, but I'm here to tell you that that seems like a long time to me, and to everyone I work with.  It's not like I'm one of 5 accountants, and the other 4 can just take on a little extra work while I am gone.  I like work, I like to feel needed, and valuable, and like I'm accomplishing something, but with these other medical issues, and such a short amount of time off, it does seem unreasonable on occasion.
5  My body still thinks I'm pregnant.  My belly is still huge.  My ankles and hands are still swollen.  My midriff is still covered in glue from the tape and bandages.  I can't really see my C-section scar or stitches, and it's never, ever a good idea to step on the scale 5 days after having a baby.  Talk about depression.
6.  Thankfully we've had lots of help with the girls.  We're cashing in all our favors.  Cecilia and Charlotte stayed here with John's parents while I was in the hospital, and since then have gone to Amanda's, Dad and Lesa's and are spending today, tonight and tomorrow with Abbey.  It's a little chaotic here with all 5 of us, and this morning I did 4 hours with just me and the three little ones, and with the help of a cartoon or two and my patience when two glasses of water spilled,  it went really well.  And as much as I love and need the help, and the world is turned a little upside down when we're all together, I always miss them when they're gone.  They are sweet girls, and John is like super Dad and super Husband, and I know once we get past all this transition, Dominic will fit right in.  I don't want to wish away his first few days, but I will have to say I'm looking forward to the day when this all seems like second nature. =)

THE Move

Well, if you haven't guessed it yet, we have moved. I feel like I have been writing this blog post for years, and now that it is here, I'm not sure what to say. Our house is still for sale in St. Louis, but we are renting a house now in downtown Ste. Genevieve. It's a cute house, old, with lots of charm. The carpet is bad, and the square footage is less, and there is no tv reception, but it almost butts up to the winery's property, and is about 6 blocks from John's job, so it will do for now.

The overall plan is to sell our house up there, buy this house and keep it as a rental, and then buy another house to live in. I'm not sure it will all work like that, and I'm not certain the timing, but, in theory, we won't be in this house long. It all hinges on 2 things; when our house sells up there, and what the bank will loan us for another house. I never thought that in May of 2010 when we put our house on the market that we would still own it today. I never thought when we bought our house 8 years ago that we'd still be in it today and would have such a hard time selling it. (this economy is sooooooooo bad) I never thought when I was growing up in Ste. Genevieve, that I'd be back here as an adult.

I have a lot of anxiety about this move, and most of it does not involve the concrete, tangible part of moving all our stuff and living out of boxes while I am 9 months pregnant. Most of my anxiety comes from my childhood, or rather my high school years. I had friends in high school. I still consider a few of them my best friends, so it wasn't like I was isolated or ostracized. There were just a handful of people that looked down on me, and made me feel insecure. I imagine everyone in high school felt like that at one point or another. All I could dream about in those formative years was an escape, was a better place to live, and it's hard for me to come back to this place with open arms. My first instinct is to hole up like a hermit, although we all know that's not a natural part of my outgoing personality. Having a newborn in winter might help, though. I was sharing some of my apprehension with Becky, who also grew up here, and she told me she was always envious of my, "I don't care what you think attitude" in high school. I think I was able to have that stance because I thought for sure I wasn't going to come back around, and now not only am I here, I'm here for the duration. I know I don't have to answer to those people, I can make my own way in this small town. I push a lot of my own unease onto visions of my children, and I know it doesn't have to be that way for them.

John has taken to this town like a dog to a bone, and he has shown me that even though this is a small town, that a majority of the people who live here are good and friendly. I think his personality is a little less harsh than mine, so everyone likes him, but I do know that I am 36, and all those people that I knew back then are adults now too, and so maybe our lives can again cross paths as 36 year olds, and not 15 year olds. I know I'm too busy at the moment to worry too much about what those handful of people are thinking. It's when we send the girls to school that makes me most nervous, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And, I'm probably not giving my kids enough credit. I know they are likable cute kids, and they'll make good friends, and be able to be their own person, and that it'll all be ok.

I know this move is right for my family. I know John loves working down here, and when he's happy, we're all happy. I know we'll have more time together, more time to sleep, more time to play, more time to just live. I know that having 2 houses will be hard financially, but that in the end we'll spend less money on unimportant things like gas, and vehicle repairs, and move on to more important things to spend money on like education and piano lessons and soccer cleats. I'm not saying I don't want to move (too late!), I'm just saying that I know it will take some time to get used to and that right now it feels a little like I'm brushing my hair in the wrong direction.

Can't help but think and wonder what advice mom would have. She always had advice, sometimes when you didn't even ask for it, but I could use some now. Coming from St. Louis, and moving to the farm was hard on her, we all knew it, and now I feel like I am repeating her journey. Wonder what she'd say to me today.

Pregnancy Update

This is a picture of Baby Brother taken in June. I have another ultrasound on Wednesday, and I can't wait to see how much he's grown. The doctor said at the last visit that I am measuring small, which could mean the baby isn't as big as he should be, but she didn't seem too worried.

This has been a pretty typical pregnancy, harder on me, but I guess each pregnancy gets harder, especially when you have three of them in less than four years. This first trimester was the hardest first trimester I have had, just feeling sick to my stomach a lot, and exhausted. I am much more tired, have lots of heartburn, swollen ankles, and my varicose and spider veins have taken over my right leg and ankle. It's not pretty. Plus, I can't sleep, constantly tossing and turning, getting up to use the bathroom, waking at 4 a.m. and not able to go back to sleep. I guess it's just training for a newborn. I have reached the part in my pregnancy where I do believe have the baby would be better than being pregnant. Even though he will be screaming, and needing to be nursed and have diaper changes, at least I won't be carrying him around every step of the way. A lot of times right now I'm carrying him and at least Charlotte and on occasion Cecilia too.

The girls talk a lot about Baby Brother. Charlotte likes to lift up my shirt and talk to him and I squeeze my belly and pretend he's talking back. Sometimes she squeezes her own belly and pretend to have a baby in her belly too. I'll have to try to get a video of that because I think it's super cute. Cecilia and I go today to a sibling class at the hospital, to get her familiar with the building, the rooms, and hold a baby doll. I took her to a similar class before Charlotte was born, and I'm pretty sure she had no idea what was going on. I think this time it might set in. I'm not taking Charlotte to a sibling class. I didn't sign her up because she's not very good at sitting still. We have gone to a few story times at the library, and he runs around like a crazy lady, climbing on chairs, all the while the librarian tries to say politely, "Sit down on the rug please." She's just too young, too active, and has too much of a mind of her own to sit nicely.

I keep having visions of Charlotte and the Baby Brother instigating each other, daring one another to jump off stuff, or all sorts of other thing I can't even picture right now. Cecilia is my calm one, little bit of a mother hen, little bit of a tattle tale. I know I'm supposed to discourage Cecilia's tattling, but can't I just use it in my favor for a few years (or more?)

Less than 5 weeks to go...

Nov 1

We made apple butter today. I'll have more pictures later, but it's late, and my phone won't let me use my blogger app until I sign in somewhere, and that takes too much energy and brain power and patience. Maybe I'll have one or more of those tomorrow.

Cecilia Turns 3

Cecilia turned 3 on December 26th, and we had a nice day. The girls got tobaggons for Christmas and it snowed pretty good on Christmas Eve, so Cecilia, Charlotte, Helen and I went sledding at Art Hill; the premier sledding place in the Lou. Cecilia and I loved it. Charlotte hated it, and made Helen's time less enjoyable too. Hopefully she'll like it when she's older. Then we had everyone over in the evening for dinner, cake (pink and purple just like she wanted)(John made the cake), and then opened presents. She's 3!

29/30

That wraps up NaBloPoMo for me. I didn't do too bad, only missed one day.

Rambled on for 18 pages...

I'm just going to go ahead a say it, the blog is on the back burner. I know you don't want to hear any more about the total lack of free time, but it takes free time to keep a blog, and there is no free time to be found around here. The "working from home, staying home" thing isn't quite going like I envisioned. I spend mostof my free time (a.k.a. their nap time) doing work, and the rest of the time feeling guilty about not doing more work. Plus, facebook is oh so fun and easy and interactive. I'm not breaking up with the blog for facebook, but maybe we're just "on a break."





Really, how many more pictures of little girls can you stomach?

Haggard No More

I am happy to tell you I'm getting a schedule change. I'm going to be working from home one day a week and hanging out with the girls one day a week. I'm so excited I can't hardly see straight. The past 8 months have been the busiest 8 months of my life, and I kept thinking that I could survive if I had a little bit of time in the winter to catch my breath, and now I do. I'll only have this extra time until John finishes the school year, but still, that's months! I'll still be going to the winery 3 days a week, and I have a feeling the working from home part is going to be much harder than I anticipate, but I'm ready to find out. And, in all my new free time (feeling a little delusional) I should be able to blog more. Yay for me and yay for you.

On that note I leave you with this picture from our trip to the Christmas tree farm over a month ago. Only in 2010 (I guess officially it was 2009) do you see lumberjacks on their phones. What I wouldn't do for that kids' amount of free time. ;)

ReCap

Yesterday was this here blog's 5th birthday. Crazy. I am posting a little bit more than 62% of everyday. That's a little disapppointing because in 2007 I was posting 90% of everyday. You all aren't doing your part though either, because in 2007 you were commenting 1.4 times a day. I hope to post more, and I'd like to ask all of you (yes, you in the back corner with your finger up your nose) to comment more. Last year Mike said he wanted more pictures of John and more pictures of stuff John found in the trash, and I will have to admit, that is a tall order. John won't hardly let me photograph him at all anymore. =( I'll do what I can. John does have a pretty funny t-shirt, Mike, you might know the one I'm talking about, maybe he'll let me photograph him in that and put it on the blog. Is that what you have in mind? ;) February is Hat or Not Hat month, and I'm hoping for some good audience partcipation on that one, so start putting things on other things' heads and get the camera out. It's so fun! ;)

I also have good intentions to make this blog deeper. I tend to skim over some of the emotional side of things, and slap up a picture and call it a day. I really love my fellow mom-squadder, Emily's blog. She's great with the Flipvideo, and also great at sharing some of the more intimate aspects of her life, and I love her blog for that. I'm not sure when I'm going to have time to blog more and be more reflective, but these are my goals.

Lastly, I'll leave you with a question...I have an itunes gift card waiting to be used. Any suggestions? I am working a lot lately by myself, so I'm looking for motivational music. Last year I found P!NK, and Bonerama, both very motivational. I'm also looking for music to do accounting to, maybe classical, or at least no words to distract me, maybe Loreena McKennit-ish? Or a good movie soundtrack? I could listen to the Last of the Mohicans soundtrack all day long when I'm doing bookwork. I'm also thinking John Mayer, anyone have his latest album? What about Ben Folds? Weezer? Dave Brubeck?

Looking Through Patient Eyes

Here's the pictures from the Christmas card. I love the individual ones, but I really think I like the one of the two girls together that Anne took in Chicago better than this one of both girls. Christy came and helped me wrangle the girls during the photo shoot, and Cecilia had a meltdown right there in front of God and everyone while they were taking Charlotte's picture. She doesn't like to share the spotlight.

Here's the sleeping update. I guess as soon as we seek help, advice is given and works. I think we lapsed as much as Cecilia did. I called the pediatrician yesterday and he said to lay her down like normal, and do not hold her hand, and leave the room and if she cries, let her cry for 20-30 minutes before going back up there. Those 20 minutes seemed like a lifetime, it's much harder to listen to her cry now that she has words. You can look at my tweets for the replay from last night. We did finally get her down, and tonight she made one little peep, but that's it. I guess I knew the whole time not to stand there and hold her hand, but it's just so endearing and irresistible. Here's hoping the hard work is behind us. Charlotte is another story, but we're working on her too. This parenting is hard work!

Thanks for the advice Cori. I think Cecilia might be too young for a chart, but I love the idea and might incorporate it for other things, like, oh pretty much anything really. She's been really hard to deal with too, everything is a battle. Not sure if the terrible twos are in full swing, 4 days after she turned 2, or I'm hoping instead that it's a lack of sleep that has made her relatively unbearable. God give me the serenity to deal with a 2 year old.

Replacing that "New Car Smell" with Garlic.

The new car is in the garage- Whooppie! I'm driving the Chevy Equinox, and it is all decked out. Can't wait to show you a picture- there's no missing me when I drive down the road. Too funny. Ironically I scratched myself on the Cavalier getting Charlotte into the backseat last night.

Things are super busy over here, and my good little sleeper, Charlotte, has turned into a horrible sleeper in the past two weeks. Last night she was up 4 times including not wanting to go back to sleep at 3:30 a.m. What happened to my 4 month old that slept through the night?

John got me this cookbook for my birthday and there's 3 recipes I want to make in the first couple pages about soup, Potato and Leek soup, Cream of Mushroom soup, and Garlic soup. Mom loved Julia Child, and Becky and I went to see Julie and Julia a couple weeks ago. She writes about the Garlic Soup, "A head of garlic is not at all too much for 2 quarts of soup. For some addicts, it is not even enough." Ahh, she speaks right to my garlic filled heart.

I have a zillion blog posts in my head, car related and otherwise. The website where I'll talk up the car nonstop will be live on Monday, so definitely stay tuned for that link.

Sell Out With Me Oh Yeah!

Good news, my people! Last week John saw on the news that Chevy was having a promotion for "Mommy Bloggers" and that Chevy would pick 6 Mommy Bloggers in the St. Louis area and give them a Chevy Equinox or Chevy Traverse for a month and then get(have) to blog about it. And I wouldn't be telling you all this unless I was chosen, and so I was. Yay! I get the car next Wednesday October 14th until November 14th, and I have to do little chores in the car and blog about it. Yippee! I don't know all the details yet, but I think my friends can get a free gift certificate for a massage if you go test drive one of these cars. I'm already thinking about all sorts of fun things to do in the car (no not that) like how many basketballs can I fit in it, or put a car seat in every seat. Suggestions welcome. So, stay tuned, and get ready for me to talk about something other than those damn kids. ;)

Stream of Conscientiousness

totally exhausted but not able to sleep...somehow everyday and everynight I use every ounce of energy in me and every evening about this time I can't sleep...I know if I laid down I'd fall asleep, but I'm too wound up...and then in the morning, at 5 a.m., or 4:43 a.m. like this morning when Charlotte decided she was hungry, I'm dog dead tired. We rush around the house, remembering the boppy and breastmilk, and wait what day is today? Which child goes where today? What am I doing after work, what are you doing after work? We're out of groceries and no time to shop. You want to plan a baptism for when? The boss called and somehow wants you to squeeze in just one more thing tomorrow. It's a whirlwind over here, another load of laundry so Charlotte has clean bibs, stop at McD on the way home because Cecilia is having a meltdown she is so hungry. Call that person back for the third time after you've sent two emails because you have to have that thing next week, stop by the bakery 5 minutes before they close so you can order that cake for that party you are throwing in 4 days. Are you there God, it's me, Elaine, and I could use more arms, and more money, and my assisstant at work back, and more patience, and more time with my husband and children, and someone to clean the spare bedroom upstairs so Charlotte can have a room of her own, and someone to keep Charlotte awake at day care for longer than 45 minutes, and someone to swaddle Charlotte at 2:35 a.m. when she's not really hungry but not sleepy either. Oh, and can you get the silverfish out of our house, and remove the snake in the tall grass at the farm, and somehow protect those kittens at the farm whose days are numbered?

The main things are getting done, and no one is going too long in between meals, or with a dirty diaper, and there's lots and lots of kisses and hugs, and a little one learning to use the word, "please," but all the extra things are not getting done, and I guess that's just life, at least life with two little girls, and grape harvest for a wine maker and marching band season for a band teacher. This isn't the oh, God, woe is me I'm exhausted post, it's the oh, God, we're super duper busy over here and just wanted to be able to calm down so maybe I can sleep post.

Feeling Better Already

My extremely considerate husband lined up the Sutters to watch the girls for a few hours last night and we went to Pi- the pizza restaurant Obama likes so much. Thank God for the Sutters. I had a drink, we sat outside, and we dreamt of future vacations. I had a decent night's sleep, and a good looking day and weekend ahead of me.

It felt good to vent a little- thanks for letting me.

I Wish The Real World Would Just Stop Hassling Me

Hello there. Checking in are you? Want to know how my world is?

It's exhausting, that's how it is. I'm tired. Fatigue has set in. I can barely see out of these bloodshot eyes. I don't want to get up and go to work anymore. I don't want to try to function on 6 hours sleep night after night. I'm not even that fond of breastfeeding anymore. I'm tired of being attached to Charlotte. I'm tired of Cecilia climbing all over me. I'm tired of being short on patience, crabby, and extra sensitive. If you've recently been around me and I have been less than pleasant, I apologize. My boobs are tender, my legs are ugly from all the blood clots and varicose veins and a few stretch marks, and my hair is starting to fall out.

This isn't an easy transition for anyone in our household. Cecilia varies from loving Charlotte to being jealous of her. John is with Cecilia during the day, and Charlotte is with me, and this works well until all 4 of us get together. I'm not sure what is so hard about it all, it just is. The hardest part is when there is one parent and two children. There is an article in last month's Parenting magazine that says the logistics of having two under two is nearly impossible, and asks the question, "how do you put a 20 month old and a 4 month old to bed at the same time by yourself?" I have wondered this many times already, and failed many times already. Usually Charlotte goes into the swing which she doesn't love, and by the time Cecilia and I are finished brushing her teeth Charlotte is crying, and continues to scream through the diaper changing, pajama putting on, and book reading of Cecilia's bedtime routine. Then I try to rush all these things, and Cecilia wants to look at the book extra long, or doesn't want to open her mouth for the toothbrushing, and I get impatient, put her to bed to rush back down to comfort Charlotte only to hear Cecilia crying upstairs in her crib. Blah.

Having a newborn seems very isolating for me too. I have no one at work to talk to, and I'm not doing Muny Band this year, and I often feel all alone. I can't go too far away from Charlotte because she eats so often, and let's face it, there are very few people lining up to watch a 2 month old who doesn't love the pacifier, and who has had very few bottles in her lifetime. I've tried to plan a few social things lately, so hopefully this will help me feel better.

I have had more than one parent of a teenager offer to switch places with me, and I'm trying hard to keep in mind that someday I'll miss these moments. Cecilia is cute with her little chubby legs and bare feet running all around our hard wood floors, and Charlotte's smile is contagious.

The good news Sara and Chuck and their boys are coming over tomorrow evening, and John and I plan to have a few minutes to ourselves- woo hoo! Guess they are pros at wrangling two children under two- and thankfully they are up to the challenge to throwing two more into the group. Dear Lord, please let it go well for them.