It's time to lose your mind and let the crazy out.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

The Day Before

Up early this morning, trying to figure it all out.  Yesterday was my last day at work for awhile, and although I crossed almost everything off my "to-do" list at work, I have a brand new list staring at me today, and then again, tomorrow, another all new list.  Work has been busy, that's for sure.  I have been squeezing every second out of every day there for months to get done all that I needed to get done.  Now that my job responsibilities are behind me for a short period of time, I'm starting to feel apprehensive about the very near future.  Yes, I can I look at the mountain of baby boy clothes and get excited.  But that's the easy part.  I am very excited to hold him and look at him, and share in the miracle of creating a child.  But, one of the hardest things to do, I find, as a mother, is add another family member to my cast of immediate family.  Cecilia and Charlotte are so good, and so cute, and I already wish I had more time with them, how am I going to not hurt their feelings by dividing my time even more?  I tell myself that a sibling is a gift, and I truly believe that, but the transition will be hard, especially when tiny newborns require SO MUCH attention, and Charlotte clings to me like no other 2 year old. I wish I was going into my Jan- May time of year, working part time, with just the girls.  I wish this pregnancy was just beginning, and the baby would be here late May.  Is that a bad thing for me to say?  I guess so, one day before he's going to be here.  I'm anxious about how the girls will be in the hospital, or what it will be like when they all need my attention.  I can still remember how my heart felt like it was breaking for Cecilia when I first had Charlotte.  And now they are inseparable, and no one can even remember when we only had Cecilia.

Anxious is the name of this pregnancy.  I have felt anxious for months now, and I guess tomorrow, my anxiety becomes reality.  Maybe everything will go smoother than I imagine.  A girl can hope...

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