Deep Breaths

A Lot On My Mind

Some things to keep in mind, even for myself... How To Talk To Little Girls

THESE are the good old days

all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile

We watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas last night on tv.  It was the first time I had seen it in awhile, and the first time the girls had really paid attention to it.  The show really defines the holiday season for me.  When I think about all the Black Friday shoppers, and all the money spent, all the stress and tension, it makes me sad.  The real meaning of Christmas seems to elude most.

"  He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more! "

I hope this year, like most, that I can spread joy, love, warmth.  I hope to teach my kids that Christmas is more than Santa and the Elf on the Shelf.  Christmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus, and about giving back, about being thankful, and grateful and appreciative...and about love.

Needing Some Inspiration Today

Breastfeeding Has It's Perks

Breastfeeding sure has gotten a lot of attention lately in the media.  It's craziness, really.  I know before I had kids I was squeamish about breastfeeding, especially in public, and I am still mindful of that.  As much of a hippy wanna be that I am, I am not all that comfortable, 3 babies later, breastfeeding in public.  I have so far, spent 25 months breastfeeding, and I am a huge proponent of it.  I think every mom should breastfeed their new baby.  I have nursed a baby at the beach, on an airplane, recently at the Tower Grove Farmer's Market, in my sister's backyard, and numerous public bathrooms and cars.  I have pumped almost any place imaginable.

Lately nursing has gotten a lot of media attention.  It all started last fall with this article about a mom breastfeeding at Target.  http://www.bestforbabes.org/target-employees-bully-breastfeeding-mom-despite-corporate-policy  Then the moms organized a "nurse in" which I find so amusing, but so great.  I'm sure Target did not want to irritate the nursing moms of the world.  Target quickly sent out an apology, trying to render things before we all decided to do our Christmas shopping elsewhere.

Then, about a month ago, this cover of Time magazine appeared.

Is the picture striking?  Yes.  But, the only reason Time magazine put it on the cover is to sell magazines.  Magazines are dead.  No one is buying Time magazine anymore.  I'm annoyed that they are exploiting the nursing population in order to make money.  The truth is that this mom has a baby that she nursed, and also adopted this toddler.  She decided to nurse this older child to provide a bonding experience, some love, security and nutrition.  She hasn't nursed this child from birth.  That changes things, doesn't it.  This mom said she isn't here to tell every mom to nurse, she just wanted to be part of the conversation.  Shame on Time magazine for villianizing breastfeeding.  They are trying to make it dirty, or crazy, and nothing could be further from the truth.

A few days ago this picture surfaced.

It was written that it is military policy not to nurse in your uniform.  Breastfeeding military moms are advised to pump and bottle feed their babies.  That is absurd and I can guarantee no woman made up that rule.

Through all this I have had some personal experiences that have surprised me a little.  In March I went to see a taping of America's Got Talent.  Like most things in the Hollywood realm, it took much longer than I expected.  After about 4 hours of being there, they had a break in taping the show.  I headed to the van to pump, and the door lady said no one was allowed to leave and come back.  A person higher up came over and asked what was going on and as soon as I could get the words, "I'm a breastfeeding mom" out of my mouth, she promptly said they can make an exception.  I giggled all the way to the car picturing the Wrath of the Nursing Mom on America's Got Talent. =)  About a month later, I decided to start counting calories and lose a few extra pounds that were hanging on, preventing me to wear anything other than maternity clothes.  I got a calorie counting app on my phone, but couldn't figure out how to adjust for nursing.  I sent a quick question to the app people, thinking it would get lost some where in cyberspace, but the app guy quickly replied back giving me a few ideas on how to modify the app.

Although I call myself a hippy wanna be, there isn't that much that I feel strongly enough about to stand up and get excited.  In my next life maybe I go to Berkeley and perfect my protesting signs.  I will have to say, though, that I feel that breastfeeding a baby is something I could support and get excited about if it was taken away.  I'm not one to preach and make everyone adhere to my beliefs, but if a newly pregnant mom were to ask me advice in this area, I know what I would say.

Blissfully Ignorant

This picture was taken the night before Dominic was born, December 7th, 2011.  Looks how cute and innocent I look.    Remember when I said that I thought being pregnant was worse than having a new born?  How naive of me.  How special.  How idiotic.  Here I sit 8 days later, feeling the weight of a newborn child hit our life like a ton of bricks.  And he only weighs 7 and a half pounds!  To be fair, it's not really right to blame Dominic.  He's cute and sweet and just doing what newborns do.  He can be fun and the girls just adore him and can't keep their hands off him.  Here's how my life is shaping up right about now.  (funk soul brother)

1.  I have a terrible cold.  I lost my voice most of the time I was in the hospital, with people visiting and nurses asking me questions, and family members calling on the phone, my voice was being most annoying.  I went to the clinic yesterday (what a day that was) convinced I had a sinus infection, but no, I only have the common cold.    I know you're not supposed to take antibiotics if you're not really sick, and I am one of the biggest proponents of that, but it is frustrating to feel so awful and leave the clinic with no medicine.  The nurse wanted to give me tylenol with codine, but wasn't sure she could because I am nursing.  It feels like the world is going to stop and my C-section stitches are going to burst right open when I cough.  Good times.
2.  I once again have those pesky superficial blood clots in my legs.  My OB's nurse called yesterday and when I told her about them and how they were getting worse, she insisted I go get them checked with doppler that day.  So, I called Dad, and he drove Dominic and I to the vascular diagnostic center, then to the clinic.  It was a long tiresome day, but I was very appreciative that Dad could help me, as yesterday was John's first day back at work.  The blood clots will all go away on their own, but they stretch up and down the outside of both legs, and continuing up to my groin area.  They are red, hard, and very tender, and I always seem to bump them on a chair as I go by, or Charlotte or Cecilia seem to know just where they are when they try to climb on me.
3.  The breastfeeding is harder than I remembered.  I know I'll get the swing of it, but it's been a tough few days at home.  Most of the time I feel like I have two croquet balls instead of boobs.  Good times.
4.  Someone has called to talk to me about work almost everyday, and I have put in some computer time 3 days so far, including payroll today.  I know plenty of you can't believe I only take a few weeks off, but I'm here to tell you that that seems like a long time to me, and to everyone I work with.  It's not like I'm one of 5 accountants, and the other 4 can just take on a little extra work while I am gone.  I like work, I like to feel needed, and valuable, and like I'm accomplishing something, but with these other medical issues, and such a short amount of time off, it does seem unreasonable on occasion.
5  My body still thinks I'm pregnant.  My belly is still huge.  My ankles and hands are still swollen.  My midriff is still covered in glue from the tape and bandages.  I can't really see my C-section scar or stitches, and it's never, ever a good idea to step on the scale 5 days after having a baby.  Talk about depression.
6.  Thankfully we've had lots of help with the girls.  We're cashing in all our favors.  Cecilia and Charlotte stayed here with John's parents while I was in the hospital, and since then have gone to Amanda's, Dad and Lesa's and are spending today, tonight and tomorrow with Abbey.  It's a little chaotic here with all 5 of us, and this morning I did 4 hours with just me and the three little ones, and with the help of a cartoon or two and my patience when two glasses of water spilled,  it went really well.  And as much as I love and need the help, and the world is turned a little upside down when we're all together, I always miss them when they're gone.  They are sweet girls, and John is like super Dad and super Husband, and I know once we get past all this transition, Dominic will fit right in.  I don't want to wish away his first few days, but I will have to say I'm looking forward to the day when this all seems like second nature. =)

The Day Before

Up early this morning, trying to figure it all out.  Yesterday was my last day at work for awhile, and although I crossed almost everything off my "to-do" list at work, I have a brand new list staring at me today, and then again, tomorrow, another all new list.  Work has been busy, that's for sure.  I have been squeezing every second out of every day there for months to get done all that I needed to get done.  Now that my job responsibilities are behind me for a short period of time, I'm starting to feel apprehensive about the very near future.  Yes, I can I look at the mountain of baby boy clothes and get excited.  But that's the easy part.  I am very excited to hold him and look at him, and share in the miracle of creating a child.  But, one of the hardest things to do, I find, as a mother, is add another family member to my cast of immediate family.  Cecilia and Charlotte are so good, and so cute, and I already wish I had more time with them, how am I going to not hurt their feelings by dividing my time even more?  I tell myself that a sibling is a gift, and I truly believe that, but the transition will be hard, especially when tiny newborns require SO MUCH attention, and Charlotte clings to me like no other 2 year old. I wish I was going into my Jan- May time of year, working part time, with just the girls.  I wish this pregnancy was just beginning, and the baby would be here late May.  Is that a bad thing for me to say?  I guess so, one day before he's going to be here.  I'm anxious about how the girls will be in the hospital, or what it will be like when they all need my attention.  I can still remember how my heart felt like it was breaking for Cecilia when I first had Charlotte.  And now they are inseparable, and no one can even remember when we only had Cecilia.

Anxious is the name of this pregnancy.  I have felt anxious for months now, and I guess tomorrow, my anxiety becomes reality.  Maybe everything will go smoother than I imagine.  A girl can hope...

Confucius Says

One day when John had to work I ordered Chinese food delivery. There is nothing more luxurious or city-fied than having a different cultural food brought to your door. We definitely didn't have that at the farm.

My fortune cookie said, "Your present plans are going to succeed."

Cecilia's fortune cookie said, "You have a natural grace and great consideration of others."

Charlotte's fortune cookie said, "You will make many changes before settling satisfactorily."

Hmmm...

Anybody Want To Weigh In On Christmas?

So, here's our dilemma, John doesn't think we should tell our kids that Santa brings all the presents, or maybe even any of the presents. He thinks Santa is a big lie, and that it's bad to tell such a big lie to our kids. He also thinks that our kids should understand that our friends and family (and us!) paid hard earned money for these gifts, and they should be appreciative of these people, and not Santa. And as crazy as that all sounds, after I have had years to digest it, I can see where he is coming from. And, so, so far, Charlotte has no clue, but Cecilia knows what Santa looks like, and gets excited about him, but isn't quite sure why yet. I try to stress baby Jesus, and his birthday. I know that I do hate the materialistic form that Christmas has taken, and would like to somehow not have too much of that in this household. We have adopted a family for Christmas, and although Cecilia doesn't understand much of that, I makes me feel better, and I hope one day she will understand that not everyone has a Christmas like we do now. Heck, we might not even have Christmas in the the future like we do now. So, the other day when she asked about Santa, I started telling Cecilia that we give presents to each other, and to others to celebrate and remember Jesus' birth. I can't flat out tell her the truth, for no other reason than to protect all her little friends and cousins. I don't think Santa is the enemy, I think St. Nick did amazing things, and Santa is a modern day form of him.

All that being said, I'm a little confused about where to go from here. I'm sure you're all thinking they'll miss the Christmas magic, and that's a valid point, but I'm not sure they will... How exactly will they miss the magic? Isn't the magic of Christmas that Jesus was born? And on to more concrete questions, is it ok to wrap presents in front of them? In thinking that we're telling them that we give presents, wrapping presents should be ok. But what if they see me wrap a present to Norah and Norah thinks it's from Santa? Will they automatically think that Santa brought them? Will they ask me in the years to come which presents exactly were from Santa? If we don't say yes or no to the idea of Santa directly to their face will they still believe, or be left somewhere confused in the middle?

Unchartered territory over here...

Back On The Market

We once again have a for sale sign in our yard. After listening to John list all the late nights and weekend work he has in front of him, I called a real estate agent and started this craziness all over again. Last night we toasted to selling the house before New Years. Wish us luck.

Along with my list of ways this house rocks, I also have a list of things I'm looking for in a new house. Here goes: a woodburning fireplace, a pantry, a place for a piano, as much hardwood as possible (this house has zero carpet, and I love that,) a finished basement, flat sunny place for a vegetable garden, a fire pit, nice outdoor furniture, new bedroom furniture and bedding and mattress (still sleeping on a full sized bed that was a hand me down from Matt and Sharon 11 years ago,) framed prints that we brought back from Paris, fixed coo coo clock, a new cat tree, and mostly time...Time to give the girls breakfast at home in the morning, time for John to come home for dinner before going back to a 7 p.m. meeting, time to sleep an extra half an hour every weekday morning, time to get home at a reasonable hour after Muny Band practice and performance. This move is mostly going to give us more time together, and as much as I love this house, love this neighborhood, I love time with my family more.

Cecilia just asked John right before bed, "Who is going to carry our house?" He asked her what she meant, and she said, "Is that guy (real estate agent) is going to carry our house to Ste. Genevieve?"

Sharing The Days With the Ones That I Love

Listening to Christmas music yet? I am. It fills my heart with warmth. Sometimes this holiday season can bog me down, but one of my favorite parts of this season is the music. This song; this group is amazing. Reminds me how happy I am to be in Missouri, where it gets cold, where the moon shines bright, where my family is.

Last year after Christmas, I made a personal list of Ways to Make Christmas 2010 better. I love this time of year, but somehow it stresses me out too, and sometimes makes me downright mad. Last year Christmas came and went and I felt like I had survived a tsunami. Losing Brant left me with a pit in my stomach. I juggled so much, and walked around with such a heavy heart, and when Christmas was over, I felt exhausted and unhappy that I missed the holiday spirit completely. I haven't accomplished everything on my list, but I have made a conscious effort to make this Christmas better, to stress Jesus and the Season of Giving more, and Santa and his materialistic ways less.

#1 Save money so shopping is more fun.

#2 Try to exchange names and get kids lists in early November so I have time to buy presents.

#3 Give different lists to my family/John's family.

#4 Try to do some sort of volunteer/ adopt a family thing, maybe Ronald McDonald House

#5 Buy good stuff for stocking in PB- Global Foods

#6 Celebrate St. Nick's Day- get stockings at home.

#7 Do our Christmas cards at Costco.

#8 Make a present, maybe with the girls, maybe for John or Helen, maybe hot rice bags, coffee mug with photo

#9 Do online shopping before John's December paycheck.

#10 Buy something light to ship to Susanne. (in Germany) Last year I spent $50 shipping a pumpkin pie plate and a can of pumpkin to her.

#11 Buy something for Doug.

#12 Make a picture calendar for myself. (thanks, Cori.)

#13 Make old favorite recipes like spinach balls.

#14 Try to find a way to honor Brant's anniversary.

Wish me luck, and I wish you a holiday season of all that is calm and bright.

Tower Grove Park

mulch mustache

John had to work yesterday, so the girls and I took it to the park. I love Tower Grove Park, and the lighting was just right, and instead of feeling overwhelmed, I took the nice camera and got some decent shots. We have a friend, Laura Siebert, who is a professional photographer who takes this amazing shots with the sun behind her subjects, and I was trying to recreate that a little.

My Days Are All Filled With An Easy Country Charm

It's moments like this that I think it might not be so bad to live in Ste. Gen.

This photograph sums up the bulk of my childhood. And who wouldn't want to spend their childhood gallivanting around a Midwest farm with a kitten in each pocket?

My Favorite Post to Date

I put together this compilation of my favorite moments from the past 5 years, because I'm that person. I love love love this post. There are some unhappy, very unhappy days in there, a lot of chaotic days lately, and just some downright frustrating parts of my life, of every one's life, but for me, it's important to remember how blessed I am, how great my life is, how amazing my husband is, how much joy my girls have brought to my life, how I am surrounded by family and friends who love me, and how nice it is to be 'happylaney.'

Be Proud To Be Out Of Your Mind and Out Of Control and One More Time Loud As You Can, How Does It Go?

Oh, free time, why do you elude me? Why must you avoid me? Where do you go? I used to spend hours in front of the tv, night after night John and I would have what I would consider a date now, Amazing Race on Sundays, Dancing With The Stars on Mondays, Survivor, The Office and Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays, throw some House in there, some How I met Your Mother and a CSI NY or two and you could round out our weeks. I can't remember when I had the time to change a light bulb, scoop the kitty litter, or get pictures developed. I guess it hit me tonight when I realized I have to give the car back on Friday. What? I had all these ideas swimming in my head of videos and blog posts, and ways to promote and I feel like I've only done the bare minimum. I had this BRILLIANT idea to get John and Chuck to learn this choreography



in front of the car, even had Chuck bribed with wine, but John backed out. I had an idea to have the marching band learn the dance, or play their instruments in the car. I have a video half done that pertains to work, I have a video completely in my head that requires more video editing than I know, but I'm still going to try...

I looked back a year ago on this blog where I told you I was pregnant and I was worried that we would have no money and no time for each other and man did I call that one. We had a date on October 30th (thank you Amanda and family), but that seems like light years away. We have started calling each other on our cell phone on our way to work in the morning to catch up. How pathetic is that?

I'm going to be on Great Day St. Louis tomorrow, and I'm so excited I hope I can sleep tonight. Wouldn't matter anyway because we have started sleep training Charlotte and what I remembered was after we sleep trained Cecilia we all slept better and I stopped feeding her in the middle of the night. What I forgot was that it takes days, I mean nights, hours and hours of up in the middle of the night soothing her without picking her up, listening to her cry (oh gosh so sad.) We're all exhausted over here. Maybe I need Visine for tomorrow's tv appearance. It's only supposed to be 3 or 4 minutes and we all know how fickle tv can be, but I bought a new top anyway. I originally bought this

but John said it wouldn't work so we bought something else tonight.

Don't think for a minute that I'm complaining that I have kids or that all this leads to that, not in the least. Last night Charlotte rolled over from her back to her belly and I told the babysitter about it this morning and she said she did it yesterday too. What!?! I missed the very first roll over from back to front? I cried when I got to the car. How am I missing all this? How am I paying someone else to do what comes so naturally and feels so right?

It's time for bed. It's only 9:52 p.m., but it feels like 11:30 p.m. Wish me luck on the tv tomorrow. Then I have to head back to work tomorrow afternoon. Gah. Even though I had Friday off and had a nice time in Chicago, I'm already in need of another vacation.
Or at the very least some Calgon.

Dishes in the sink, TV's in repair, Don't look at the floor and Don't go up the stairs

In the last 6 hours I have gone to the Italian grocery store, Target, grocery shopping, came home, dealt with a crabby Cecilia for about an hour until she went to bed early, had dinner with John, Charlotte on his lap, Cecilia on mine, breastfed Charlotte 3 times, tried to feed her zucchini with cereal, watched bits and pieces of Dancing With the Stars Results Show catching both performances by Shakira, cleaned the bathroom, unloaded the dishwasher that John loaded and ran once tonight already and reloaded it, made sweet potato baby food, hung some flowers upside down in the basement to catch the seeds when they dry, and now I'm off to bed while John rocks Charlotte.

Tomorrow we get the new car, and I can't imagine one more thing on my to do list. In order for this car to help this mommy, it should pump it's own gas, or have autopilot, or at the very least scoop some kitty litter, change a diaper, or poke a paci.

Stream of Conscientiousness

totally exhausted but not able to sleep...somehow everyday and everynight I use every ounce of energy in me and every evening about this time I can't sleep...I know if I laid down I'd fall asleep, but I'm too wound up...and then in the morning, at 5 a.m., or 4:43 a.m. like this morning when Charlotte decided she was hungry, I'm dog dead tired. We rush around the house, remembering the boppy and breastmilk, and wait what day is today? Which child goes where today? What am I doing after work, what are you doing after work? We're out of groceries and no time to shop. You want to plan a baptism for when? The boss called and somehow wants you to squeeze in just one more thing tomorrow. It's a whirlwind over here, another load of laundry so Charlotte has clean bibs, stop at McD on the way home because Cecilia is having a meltdown she is so hungry. Call that person back for the third time after you've sent two emails because you have to have that thing next week, stop by the bakery 5 minutes before they close so you can order that cake for that party you are throwing in 4 days. Are you there God, it's me, Elaine, and I could use more arms, and more money, and my assisstant at work back, and more patience, and more time with my husband and children, and someone to clean the spare bedroom upstairs so Charlotte can have a room of her own, and someone to keep Charlotte awake at day care for longer than 45 minutes, and someone to swaddle Charlotte at 2:35 a.m. when she's not really hungry but not sleepy either. Oh, and can you get the silverfish out of our house, and remove the snake in the tall grass at the farm, and somehow protect those kittens at the farm whose days are numbered?

The main things are getting done, and no one is going too long in between meals, or with a dirty diaper, and there's lots and lots of kisses and hugs, and a little one learning to use the word, "please," but all the extra things are not getting done, and I guess that's just life, at least life with two little girls, and grape harvest for a wine maker and marching band season for a band teacher. This isn't the oh, God, woe is me I'm exhausted post, it's the oh, God, we're super duper busy over here and just wanted to be able to calm down so maybe I can sleep post.

Did you know that...

in 1976 there was a swine flu outbreak. 40 million people rushed out to get the vaccination including President Ford. Ultimately there was no swine flu pandemic in 1976, and instead 500 people got Guillain-Barré syndrome which is a a paralyzing neuromuscular disorder from the swine flu immunization.

Just something to think about...

I Have Reached that Part of Pregnancy Where...

...I am no longer hungry.

...even the bath is uncomfortable.

..it takes me 3 minutes to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, but it takes me another 30 minutes to fall asleep because she is moving around so much.

...I'm having crazy dreams about Steve-O stealing the radio out of my car.

...I have piles of clothes in the bathroom and bedroom because I can't bend down to pick them up once I've taken them off.

...getting Cecilia in and out of the car is the hardest part of my day and yesterday and today both I did it 12 times.

...I keep waiting for the cleaning lady to come and then John reminds me we don't have a cleaning lady.

...the only one in our family that has clean laundry is the new baby.

...I am giving up my favorite show of the week to go to bed early.

Goodnight.