Looking Through Patient Eyes

Here's the pictures from the Christmas card. I love the individual ones, but I really think I like the one of the two girls together that Anne took in Chicago better than this one of both girls. Christy came and helped me wrangle the girls during the photo shoot, and Cecilia had a meltdown right there in front of God and everyone while they were taking Charlotte's picture. She doesn't like to share the spotlight.

Here's the sleeping update. I guess as soon as we seek help, advice is given and works. I think we lapsed as much as Cecilia did. I called the pediatrician yesterday and he said to lay her down like normal, and do not hold her hand, and leave the room and if she cries, let her cry for 20-30 minutes before going back up there. Those 20 minutes seemed like a lifetime, it's much harder to listen to her cry now that she has words. You can look at my tweets for the replay from last night. We did finally get her down, and tonight she made one little peep, but that's it. I guess I knew the whole time not to stand there and hold her hand, but it's just so endearing and irresistible. Here's hoping the hard work is behind us. Charlotte is another story, but we're working on her too. This parenting is hard work!

Thanks for the advice Cori. I think Cecilia might be too young for a chart, but I love the idea and might incorporate it for other things, like, oh pretty much anything really. She's been really hard to deal with too, everything is a battle. Not sure if the terrible twos are in full swing, 4 days after she turned 2, or I'm hoping instead that it's a lack of sleep that has made her relatively unbearable. God give me the serenity to deal with a 2 year old.

I am still living with your ghost. Lonely and dreaming of the west coast.

Cecilia refuses to fall asleep on her own anymore. She used to be the best sleeper ever. Maybe we bragged about her good sleeping habits too much? I think it has to do with our trip to California. I think she might understand more than I expected. I had a brief conversation with her about Brant. During the service she was so quiet and still, like she could feel the sadness in the air. Charlotte was making some noise, so I took both girls outside. I told Cecilia a little about Brant. I can't remember exactly what I said. I wanted her to know a little bit about what was going on, why we were there, and how to be respectful. Ever since then she hasn't slept well. She woke often in CA, didn't sleep all that well in PB, and now that we are home it has gotten worse. It has been a difficult schedule lately, 4 nights in CA, two nights at home, a night in PB, and then back home again.

We do our normal bedtime routine, bath, pj's, brush teeth, read book, tuck in, night night. Except now she cries when we try to leave the room. She wants to hold our hand. A couple nights ago she told John, "don't leave me," and last night she asked us to sleep with her. It's so hard to stand there and hold her hand. If I try to sneak my hand away and she's not asleep yet, she grabs it tighter. It's so hard, it pulls at my heart. I have never felt so needed ever before, but it's also exhausting, and it takes every ounce of patience in me to stand there, and then ever so slowly take my hand away and creep out of the room. If she wasn't in a crib, I think I would just curl up next to her and become my own little episode of Nanny 911.

I thought maybe it was getting better, but I know it's not. We've tried to let her cry it out, Friday we were up until almost 2 a.m. I've tried to put her in time out, I've tried changing her diaper, John has tried rocking her. I'm not sure what to do at all. Do I try to bring up Brant again, try to explain better what is going on? Do we stand there until she falls asleep for many more nights and hope the time we stand there decreases? Do we wait until she falls asleep downstairs and then try laying her down in her bed after she has collapsed?

Anyone been there/done that?

Anyone have any advice?

My Heart is Drenched in WIne

It's been 25 days. 25 pretty hard days. Everything I usually post all seems trivial now. Here I sit, in front of the computer, trying hard to avoid telling you my bad news. My brother-in-law, Brant, is gone. It happened two Thursdays ago, and we flew out there with the girls on that Friday. I'm sure you all have read his blog, or heard me talk about him. Can't hardly believe someone my age, someone I knew, has died from cancer. Such a horrible disease. Can't hardly fathom Melissa's pain and Will's loss.

They served Yellow Tail Merlot at their wedding in North Carolina, so many years ago, and I brought a bottle home with us from that trip, thinking it would be fun or funny to drink with them sometime when they came back to visit. On a fluke I came across that bottle of wine yesterday and so John and I toasted tonight with that bottle of 2001 Yellow Tail Merlot. We toasted to a great man, and peace to Melissa and Will. I thought the wine would taste awful, but instead it wasn't over the hill. Hmmm... Brant still had so much life to live.

If you could please close your eyes, and say a prayer for Melissa and Will, and everyone who was touched by such a "larger than life" man. Let the Lord guide them through this hard time and throughout their lives.

This picture was taken in July 2004.

Charlotte's First Trip To Poplar Bluff