Lilith

One week before the Lilith Fair came to St. Louis, I received an email from a lady at GM Communications saying Chevrolet is sponsoring the Lilith Fair and she had tickets for me. I emailed her back, and soon enough Christy, Abbey, Sara and I were on our way to the Verizon Ampitheatre on a Friday afternoon, hidden flask and all. The line up didn't look that impressive on paper, but the music was very good. I was very happy we got to hear Ingrid Michaelson. Who knew I even knew a few of her songs? Metric was full of a UK electric pop vibe, and Emmylou Harris was ethereal. There were lots of great moments that only a Lilith Fair could create, like when Christy asked, "did you see all those uteruses?" or when the thought came into my mind, "why is there a man in the girls bathroom?" Sarah McLachlan is probably my all time favorite feminine singer, so she stuck out leaps and bounds, but I was happily surprised by Mary J. Blige's performance. She came out in a gold outfit and high heels, big bangle earrings, and the entire crowd automatically got off their feet and starting dancing and swaying. I never saw so many lesbians trying hard to dance like Ellen in my life. She was very womanly, and filled my heart with so much pride to be feminine.

Mary J. Blige's song, "I Am" was particularly moving for me. The lyrics sang to me.

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
boy
than I am
Than I am

I'm sure these words were made for a lover, but I couldn't help thinking about my daughters. My mom wrote down her memories of her mom for a geneology thing, and I came across them once, soon after I was married, and not long after she had passed. Mom wrote that while her mom, my Grandma Gen, was in the hospital, she gave my mom some "Mad Money" to go spend on herself, not on her husband or kids. My mom then wrote that she didn't think anyone would love her like her mom loved her. As a newlywed, when I read that, I couldn't help think that was a slight on my dad. Now that I am a mom myself, I recognize those feelings. It isn't diminishing the love between husband and wife, rather it's building on that love. John is the love of my life, but I do believe that no one is going to love my girls the way that I do; the way that a mom can.

And so lies my struggle.

After being married a year or three, the question of raising a family came up and I was terrified of having a child, mainly because I was scared of the grief that I imagined would resurface. After being married 6 years, a baby entered our lives, and God couldn't have given us a better blessing, except for giving us another bundle of joy 16 months after that. I was either pregnant or nursing (or both(!)) from March 2007 to May 2010. I think I had maybe 24 hours for each baby of "baby blues" but survived relatively unscathed in the unhappy emotion aspect, until recently. Now, for the first time in over 3 years I am not pregnant or nursing, and my hormones are a little out of wacked, or perhaps exactly on track (?) and I have many days of feeling tired, exhausted, my body feels heavy, my heart feels heavy. I am occassionally crabby, and often moody. I am reading books like "The Happiest Toddler On the Block" trying to weave my way through this thing called motherhood. All I really think I need is a good talk with my mom, some hard sound advice about my new reality. As much as I love my daughters, I know my mom loved me and I miss that love.

And if I couldn't get any more pathetic, I joined a "Motherless Daughters" meetup group. I was searching for a moms group online that doesn't meet during the day during the week. Am I the only working mom in St. Louis who would like a playdate in the evening or weekend? It appears so. Anyway, while searching the meetup groups (there are some crazy ones out there) I found a Motherless Daughters group based on the book. I sent them an email asking if they still meet, and they replied, yes once a month, on Wednesday evenings. So I joined their group, and rsvped to the meeting last week. It was at a coffee shop not too terribly far from my house. I was scared to go, a little nervous about baring my soul to strange women, but told them I was going, and so go I would. Except... no one else was there.... How heartbreaking and embarrassing to go to a self help group, meet people from the internet, and have none of them show up. =(

Yuck.
Gag.
Sob.
Blah.

And so, I guess I'm doing it myself, gonna miss my mom and raise my kids in my own way, try hard not to snap at them, or my very patient and loving husband, try hard to eat "mood boosting" foods like fish and green tea, and go at it one day at a time, taking solsice knowing I'm not the only mom or woman out there who feels tired or sad on occasion, and the important thing is to "love one another."

We don't need, don't need, no haters
Just try to love one another
We just want y'all have a good time
No more drama in your life
Work real hard to make a dime
If you got beef, your problem, not mine
Leave all that BS outside
We're gonna celebrate all night
Let's have fun, tonight, no fights
Turn the Dre track way up high
Making you dance all night and
IGot some real heat for ya this time
Doesn't matter if you're white or black
Let's get crunk cause Mary's back

2009 in review

Make a Smilebox slideshow

We did have a good year, Charlotte sure is a welcome addition to our family, but 2009 also makes me sad because of our loss in our family, Brant. Please click here to read a beautiful article written about Brant.

Looking forward, February is Hat or Not Hat Month, so start gathering your photos and emailing them to me. I've got at least one good one of Charlotte I can't wait to share.

It Was A Good Ride While It Lasted

goodbye, equinox, we won't forget you soon...

Me...On the Tv...Crazy

Click here for a link to my segment yesterday on Great Day St. Louis. It was exhilarating. Carol, one of the hosts, quoted my blog back to me off air. I don't think that's ever happened before. This Chevy promotion sure has been fun. Can.not.believe.the.Equinox.goes.back.tomorrow. The sadness. You still have time to test drive one of these amazing cars. Go now until November 22nd. Get a free massage just for test driving it. Maybe I can go next week and test drive a Traverse and get another free massage. =) Think they'd know? We were supposed to mention the test drives on the show, but somehow the conversation never took that path. I also had good intentions of mentioning the winery, but alas, that didn't happen either.

Be Proud To Be Out Of Your Mind and Out Of Control and One More Time Loud As You Can, How Does It Go?

Oh, free time, why do you elude me? Why must you avoid me? Where do you go? I used to spend hours in front of the tv, night after night John and I would have what I would consider a date now, Amazing Race on Sundays, Dancing With The Stars on Mondays, Survivor, The Office and Grey's Anatomy on Thursdays, throw some House in there, some How I met Your Mother and a CSI NY or two and you could round out our weeks. I can't remember when I had the time to change a light bulb, scoop the kitty litter, or get pictures developed. I guess it hit me tonight when I realized I have to give the car back on Friday. What? I had all these ideas swimming in my head of videos and blog posts, and ways to promote and I feel like I've only done the bare minimum. I had this BRILLIANT idea to get John and Chuck to learn this choreography



in front of the car, even had Chuck bribed with wine, but John backed out. I had an idea to have the marching band learn the dance, or play their instruments in the car. I have a video half done that pertains to work, I have a video completely in my head that requires more video editing than I know, but I'm still going to try...

I looked back a year ago on this blog where I told you I was pregnant and I was worried that we would have no money and no time for each other and man did I call that one. We had a date on October 30th (thank you Amanda and family), but that seems like light years away. We have started calling each other on our cell phone on our way to work in the morning to catch up. How pathetic is that?

I'm going to be on Great Day St. Louis tomorrow, and I'm so excited I hope I can sleep tonight. Wouldn't matter anyway because we have started sleep training Charlotte and what I remembered was after we sleep trained Cecilia we all slept better and I stopped feeding her in the middle of the night. What I forgot was that it takes days, I mean nights, hours and hours of up in the middle of the night soothing her without picking her up, listening to her cry (oh gosh so sad.) We're all exhausted over here. Maybe I need Visine for tomorrow's tv appearance. It's only supposed to be 3 or 4 minutes and we all know how fickle tv can be, but I bought a new top anyway. I originally bought this

but John said it wouldn't work so we bought something else tonight.

Don't think for a minute that I'm complaining that I have kids or that all this leads to that, not in the least. Last night Charlotte rolled over from her back to her belly and I told the babysitter about it this morning and she said she did it yesterday too. What!?! I missed the very first roll over from back to front? I cried when I got to the car. How am I missing all this? How am I paying someone else to do what comes so naturally and feels so right?

It's time for bed. It's only 9:52 p.m., but it feels like 11:30 p.m. Wish me luck on the tv tomorrow. Then I have to head back to work tomorrow afternoon. Gah. Even though I had Friday off and had a nice time in Chicago, I'm already in need of another vacation.
Or at the very least some Calgon.

Have You Seen This One Yet?

Untitled from Elaine Mooney on Vimeo.

I Remember When I Lost My Mind

I made this video for the Mommy Madness website, but I'm not exactly sure how to get it to show up over there, and it's possible I am so technically challenged I can't even seem to properly email the IT guy to ask what I'm doing wrong over there. I do know how to post it over here, and so I will.

Becky steals the show much like Neil Patrick Harris steals the show on How I Met Your Mother.

Had the sunroof open today in that car, so awe-wait-for-it---some. =)

Have you test driven the Chevy Equinox or Traverse yet? What do you think? Did you get your free massage? Again, awesome. Totally off subject, but have you heard that new John Mayer song, "Who Says?" It's very Simon and Garfunkel-y. Awesome. (last one of the day, I promise.)

One last thing, can anyone recommend an inexpensive (read free) video editing software? I have this great idea for a video for the car, but need the video to be in fast forward.

Oh, maybe one more thing, Mike, I need you to talk to John about another video that I want to do to promote the car that he won't agree to. Tell him whatever it is, you won't laugh. =)

I'm Holding the Keys to a Brand New Chevrolet

Click here to go to the Mommy Madness website where I'm talking up the Chevy Equinox. I already have three blog posts up under Team Equinox. Click here to vote for me as the "Best Mom." I will win a weekend getaway and you know I deserve one. You can vote over and over again (hint hint.) I would do it for you, you know I would. Also, if you want to tell everyone you know that #1 The Chevy Equinox rules, #2 anyone can get a free massage at any Massage Envy location if they test drive a Chevy Equinox or Traverse (boys are you paying attention? gift certificate for a free massage! Christmas is something like 68 days away!), and #3 to vote vote vote for me!

Replacing that "New Car Smell" with Garlic.

The new car is in the garage- Whooppie! I'm driving the Chevy Equinox, and it is all decked out. Can't wait to show you a picture- there's no missing me when I drive down the road. Too funny. Ironically I scratched myself on the Cavalier getting Charlotte into the backseat last night.

Things are super busy over here, and my good little sleeper, Charlotte, has turned into a horrible sleeper in the past two weeks. Last night she was up 4 times including not wanting to go back to sleep at 3:30 a.m. What happened to my 4 month old that slept through the night?

John got me this cookbook for my birthday and there's 3 recipes I want to make in the first couple pages about soup, Potato and Leek soup, Cream of Mushroom soup, and Garlic soup. Mom loved Julia Child, and Becky and I went to see Julie and Julia a couple weeks ago. She writes about the Garlic Soup, "A head of garlic is not at all too much for 2 quarts of soup. For some addicts, it is not even enough." Ahh, she speaks right to my garlic filled heart.

I have a zillion blog posts in my head, car related and otherwise. The website where I'll talk up the car nonstop will be live on Monday, so definitely stay tuned for that link.

Sell Out With Me Oh Yeah!

Good news, my people! Last week John saw on the news that Chevy was having a promotion for "Mommy Bloggers" and that Chevy would pick 6 Mommy Bloggers in the St. Louis area and give them a Chevy Equinox or Chevy Traverse for a month and then get(have) to blog about it. And I wouldn't be telling you all this unless I was chosen, and so I was. Yay! I get the car next Wednesday October 14th until November 14th, and I have to do little chores in the car and blog about it. Yippee! I don't know all the details yet, but I think my friends can get a free gift certificate for a massage if you go test drive one of these cars. I'm already thinking about all sorts of fun things to do in the car (no not that) like how many basketballs can I fit in it, or put a car seat in every seat. Suggestions welcome. So, stay tuned, and get ready for me to talk about something other than those damn kids. ;)