Christmas Eve at the Farm

 Dad making brunch

 Dominic looking cute

 Uncle Matt getting a smile from Dominic while Hannah holds him

 Family of 5

 Grandkids

 Charlotte playing with her Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs Little People

 Cecilia and Rapunzel

 Norah peeking out of the new Princess tent

 Chef Matt

 We got Lesa a new little French egg basket

 John plays Princess with Charlotte

 Charlotte checks out one of my mom's Christmas decorations

The teeny boppers play Hedbanz

When I find Myself in Times of Trouble, Mother Mary Comes to Me

November
 6th marked 12 years that my mom has been gone.  It's hard not to think some times what life would be like if she were around, and it's easy to think of those times as happy, but the reality is that they might not be.  I could use some help with these kids, and I wonder if my mom would be able and willing.  I could use some advice at work, and I wonder if I'd be able to listen to what she had to say.  I wonder what it would be like to know her as an adult, as a fellow mom.  Wish she could be at Thanksgiving to make everything beautiful and perfect, and make those longed for mashed potatoes.

It's no lie that my life right now is chaotic, and emotional.  I was talking about it one day to my sister, Christy and she said she's adopted a few songs as Mom's Mantra's, even though mom might not have loved those songs.  One song Christy recommended was "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty, and even though I don't really like Tom Petty, this gives me new insight to his music.  Mom was so strong.  She taught me to be strong, which I view as a huge asset, but I'm sure there are those around me who wish I wasn't quite so feisty.   One other song Christy said reminded her of mom was "Let it Be" by the Beatles.  

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

I find this song most soothing lately, especially since mom's first name was Mary.  Everyone called her by her middle name though.  Although, this would have never been mom's mantra.  She didn't know how to "let it be."  And I guess I'm not that good at it either, but there's many moments lately, where I take deep breaths, close my eyes, and try hard to let her "whisper words of wisdom, let it be."

Why Didn't I Think of That?

We're all a buzz over here, getting ready for Abbey's wedding, the wedding of the century. I have pictures to post from Christmas and Cecilia's birthday, but those will come later. Right now we have to prepare and celebrate.

Christy called this morning, missing mom. Mom would have loved to be there this weekend. She loved big elaborate fancy parties. She would have been in her element. Christy and I were talking about how it rained on my wedding day, and she said that one of mom's best friends, MaryLee, whispered to Christy when we walked out the church door that the rain was mom's tears of joy. I had never thought of that, but it's like that sad country song, Holes in the Floor of Heaven.


Well my little girl is 23
I walk her down the aisle
it's a shame her mom can't be here now
to see her lovely smile

They throw the rice
I catch her eye
as the rain starts comin' down
she takes my hand says daddy don't be sad 'cause
I know momma's watchin' now

And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me



There are still some days like today, 11 years later, that I still miss her so dearly. I know we'll have fun this weekend. I know mom will be in our hearts. And maybe next time it rains I can stop scurrying around and grimacing and take a minute to feel mom's embrace.

THE Move

Well, if you haven't guessed it yet, we have moved. I feel like I have been writing this blog post for years, and now that it is here, I'm not sure what to say. Our house is still for sale in St. Louis, but we are renting a house now in downtown Ste. Genevieve. It's a cute house, old, with lots of charm. The carpet is bad, and the square footage is less, and there is no tv reception, but it almost butts up to the winery's property, and is about 6 blocks from John's job, so it will do for now.

The overall plan is to sell our house up there, buy this house and keep it as a rental, and then buy another house to live in. I'm not sure it will all work like that, and I'm not certain the timing, but, in theory, we won't be in this house long. It all hinges on 2 things; when our house sells up there, and what the bank will loan us for another house. I never thought that in May of 2010 when we put our house on the market that we would still own it today. I never thought when we bought our house 8 years ago that we'd still be in it today and would have such a hard time selling it. (this economy is sooooooooo bad) I never thought when I was growing up in Ste. Genevieve, that I'd be back here as an adult.

I have a lot of anxiety about this move, and most of it does not involve the concrete, tangible part of moving all our stuff and living out of boxes while I am 9 months pregnant. Most of my anxiety comes from my childhood, or rather my high school years. I had friends in high school. I still consider a few of them my best friends, so it wasn't like I was isolated or ostracized. There were just a handful of people that looked down on me, and made me feel insecure. I imagine everyone in high school felt like that at one point or another. All I could dream about in those formative years was an escape, was a better place to live, and it's hard for me to come back to this place with open arms. My first instinct is to hole up like a hermit, although we all know that's not a natural part of my outgoing personality. Having a newborn in winter might help, though. I was sharing some of my apprehension with Becky, who also grew up here, and she told me she was always envious of my, "I don't care what you think attitude" in high school. I think I was able to have that stance because I thought for sure I wasn't going to come back around, and now not only am I here, I'm here for the duration. I know I don't have to answer to those people, I can make my own way in this small town. I push a lot of my own unease onto visions of my children, and I know it doesn't have to be that way for them.

John has taken to this town like a dog to a bone, and he has shown me that even though this is a small town, that a majority of the people who live here are good and friendly. I think his personality is a little less harsh than mine, so everyone likes him, but I do know that I am 36, and all those people that I knew back then are adults now too, and so maybe our lives can again cross paths as 36 year olds, and not 15 year olds. I know I'm too busy at the moment to worry too much about what those handful of people are thinking. It's when we send the girls to school that makes me most nervous, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. And, I'm probably not giving my kids enough credit. I know they are likable cute kids, and they'll make good friends, and be able to be their own person, and that it'll all be ok.

I know this move is right for my family. I know John loves working down here, and when he's happy, we're all happy. I know we'll have more time together, more time to sleep, more time to play, more time to just live. I know that having 2 houses will be hard financially, but that in the end we'll spend less money on unimportant things like gas, and vehicle repairs, and move on to more important things to spend money on like education and piano lessons and soccer cleats. I'm not saying I don't want to move (too late!), I'm just saying that I know it will take some time to get used to and that right now it feels a little like I'm brushing my hair in the wrong direction.

Can't help but think and wonder what advice mom would have. She always had advice, sometimes when you didn't even ask for it, but I could use some now. Coming from St. Louis, and moving to the farm was hard on her, we all knew it, and now I feel like I am repeating her journey. Wonder what she'd say to me today.

All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother.
Abraham Lincoln

Everything Looks Better in Black and White

This is a picture of my mom in 1957, graduating from high school at Bishop DuBourg. I love this picture, it's so dated but timeless. I love how Grandma Gen is looking at my mom, so proud; her oldest child graduated. I love the way Grandpa Bill looks so debonair, and tall. And the hats, don't get me started telling you how in love I am with those hats, all three of them. November 6th, 2010 marked the 10th anniversary of my mom's passing from this life to the next. I spent it in Chicago with my daughters, my sister, and my aunt Linda, my mom's sister. Mom would have wanted us all to be together.

It's a dull pain, a pain I carry around on my shoulders. It used to be a boulder, and now it's about the size of a grapefruit. I doubt it will get any smaller.

"I miss the sound of your voice

The loudest thing in my head
And I ache to remember
All the violent, sweet,
perfect words that you said." -Matt Nathanson, Come On Get Higher

Lilith

One week before the Lilith Fair came to St. Louis, I received an email from a lady at GM Communications saying Chevrolet is sponsoring the Lilith Fair and she had tickets for me. I emailed her back, and soon enough Christy, Abbey, Sara and I were on our way to the Verizon Ampitheatre on a Friday afternoon, hidden flask and all. The line up didn't look that impressive on paper, but the music was very good. I was very happy we got to hear Ingrid Michaelson. Who knew I even knew a few of her songs? Metric was full of a UK electric pop vibe, and Emmylou Harris was ethereal. There were lots of great moments that only a Lilith Fair could create, like when Christy asked, "did you see all those uteruses?" or when the thought came into my mind, "why is there a man in the girls bathroom?" Sarah McLachlan is probably my all time favorite feminine singer, so she stuck out leaps and bounds, but I was happily surprised by Mary J. Blige's performance. She came out in a gold outfit and high heels, big bangle earrings, and the entire crowd automatically got off their feet and starting dancing and swaying. I never saw so many lesbians trying hard to dance like Ellen in my life. She was very womanly, and filled my heart with so much pride to be feminine.

Mary J. Blige's song, "I Am" was particularly moving for me. The lyrics sang to me.

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
boy
than I am
Than I am

I'm sure these words were made for a lover, but I couldn't help thinking about my daughters. My mom wrote down her memories of her mom for a geneology thing, and I came across them once, soon after I was married, and not long after she had passed. Mom wrote that while her mom, my Grandma Gen, was in the hospital, she gave my mom some "Mad Money" to go spend on herself, not on her husband or kids. My mom then wrote that she didn't think anyone would love her like her mom loved her. As a newlywed, when I read that, I couldn't help think that was a slight on my dad. Now that I am a mom myself, I recognize those feelings. It isn't diminishing the love between husband and wife, rather it's building on that love. John is the love of my life, but I do believe that no one is going to love my girls the way that I do; the way that a mom can.

And so lies my struggle.

After being married a year or three, the question of raising a family came up and I was terrified of having a child, mainly because I was scared of the grief that I imagined would resurface. After being married 6 years, a baby entered our lives, and God couldn't have given us a better blessing, except for giving us another bundle of joy 16 months after that. I was either pregnant or nursing (or both(!)) from March 2007 to May 2010. I think I had maybe 24 hours for each baby of "baby blues" but survived relatively unscathed in the unhappy emotion aspect, until recently. Now, for the first time in over 3 years I am not pregnant or nursing, and my hormones are a little out of wacked, or perhaps exactly on track (?) and I have many days of feeling tired, exhausted, my body feels heavy, my heart feels heavy. I am occassionally crabby, and often moody. I am reading books like "The Happiest Toddler On the Block" trying to weave my way through this thing called motherhood. All I really think I need is a good talk with my mom, some hard sound advice about my new reality. As much as I love my daughters, I know my mom loved me and I miss that love.

And if I couldn't get any more pathetic, I joined a "Motherless Daughters" meetup group. I was searching for a moms group online that doesn't meet during the day during the week. Am I the only working mom in St. Louis who would like a playdate in the evening or weekend? It appears so. Anyway, while searching the meetup groups (there are some crazy ones out there) I found a Motherless Daughters group based on the book. I sent them an email asking if they still meet, and they replied, yes once a month, on Wednesday evenings. So I joined their group, and rsvped to the meeting last week. It was at a coffee shop not too terribly far from my house. I was scared to go, a little nervous about baring my soul to strange women, but told them I was going, and so go I would. Except... no one else was there.... How heartbreaking and embarrassing to go to a self help group, meet people from the internet, and have none of them show up. =(

Yuck.
Gag.
Sob.
Blah.

And so, I guess I'm doing it myself, gonna miss my mom and raise my kids in my own way, try hard not to snap at them, or my very patient and loving husband, try hard to eat "mood boosting" foods like fish and green tea, and go at it one day at a time, taking solsice knowing I'm not the only mom or woman out there who feels tired or sad on occasion, and the important thing is to "love one another."

We don't need, don't need, no haters
Just try to love one another
We just want y'all have a good time
No more drama in your life
Work real hard to make a dime
If you got beef, your problem, not mine
Leave all that BS outside
We're gonna celebrate all night
Let's have fun, tonight, no fights
Turn the Dre track way up high
Making you dance all night and
IGot some real heat for ya this time
Doesn't matter if you're white or black
Let's get crunk cause Mary's back

Christening

The first two pictures are Charlotte in the dress my mom made out of her wedding dress. Click here to see Cecilia in the same dress. The last picture is my niece Abbey, in the same dress in 1988. Hannah wore this dress also, and I was looking for a picture of her, but couldn't find one. I love the dress, and am sad that the lace in front is deteriorating. The lace is actually from my grandma's dress that she wore on my mom's wedding day. It is chantilly lace.

Mother's Day

This is a picture of mom and I (and Sharon and Heather) on what I think is Thanksgiving 1992. I had the perm and the V-neck sweater in full force. =)

Mother's Day is not the easiest day for me. In fact, from 2001 to 2006 it was one of the worse days of the year for me. But, Cecilia and now Charlotte have made this day much better for me. They make every day much better for me. I never thought being a mom would feel this good; this fulfilling. And while I am very happy to be a mom, there are many times I wish I could talk about my experiences with my own mom. Some of my mom's happiest days were when she had a new grandbaby. She would always be right there at the hospital, eyes shining, mouth grinning, holding that baby like it was pure gold.

Sometimes I think grief is very selfish. I don't do well with self pity parties. But, I do wish that for myself, for my own happiness, for these past few days, that I could have shared all this with my mom.

I am having a good day over here. John got me a nice card and chocolates. =) Cecilia slept until 9 (unheard of) and Charlotte slept until 10(after she was awake from 1- 6.) The Cards are on the tube, and we have a busy day of laundry, vacuuming, a trip to the park and grocery store, and we plan to make sushi rolls for dinner. It's not exciting, but what is exciting is the fact that I have a wonderful husband, and two beautiful girls to do all the normal everyday stuff with. It's like when I was little and used to play house, except this is not pretend.

Heirlooms

Some of mom's stuff has slowly but surely been divvied up in the past year or more, and while I am happy with all my mom's things, there are a few that I think are pretty cool, including this hat box and the goodies inside. You can see the hat box on the top of the bookcase in Cecilia's room. The pink matches well. The only people I have shown this to is the Sutters, and while I was sharing it I got the feeling they weren't the best people to share my excitement about my grandma's fur hats because they love animals more than anyone I know. Now, we all know I love animals, but Sue Sutter just put on her facebook page that she is mourning a roach. No one but the Sutters mourn roaches. Anyway, I love the box, love it's contents, and although I never plan to wear any of them, they bring me much pleasure dreaming of an era gone by.

Yes We Can!

My mom, staunch Democrat that she was, would be happy about tomorrow.

Happy Birthday, Mom.

This is mom and I at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Restaurant in Monterrey California in February 1997. On the wall behind us is a mural of Forest and Jenny sitting in the tree. She had my sweater on because it's cold in Monterrey, whether it's February or July. Dad took the picture.

Sometimes I still can't believe she's gone, can't believe she'll never meet Cecilia, can't believe I'm raising a baby without the advice and counsel of my mom. Can't believe it's been 8 years.

Friends or Enemies?

Java is the only cat that will come anywhere near Cecilia. He usually lays down next to her when I am also next to her. I think he is trying to get attention anywhere he can lately, even if that means letting Cecilia maul him. She especially likes to put his tail in her mouth. I have a feeling when she starts crawling things will get much worse for Java. I'm sure the moment in time will come where Java will lose his patience. I'm not looking forward to that day.

I want to thank Katie and Terry and April and Cori again for all the advice. I think I expected some of you to answer some of the questions, not every single question. I feel like you all gave me a big hug. Things are definitely still trying. I have tried the frozen banana, it worked so-so. I can't seem to find Zwiebach or individually wrapped Gerber teething biscuits. I forgot to buy oragel. I like the Jack Daniels idea, but I'm not sure John wants to share. I also tried freezing a washcloth. I remember Heather giving Jack a celery stalk to teeth on. Maybe I'll try that. I pinched her back a day or two ago, and used a "mom" tone with her, and that seems to have worked. Now she grabs my skin, but I use the tone and tell her not to pinch mommy, and so far she hasn't actually pinched me again.

One for me.

She is still fussier than normal, and she still clings to me like saran wrap. I know the time will come when she hates me, and so I try to remind myself of that. I didn't come equipped with a whole lot of patience, so the clingy thing is going to take some extra deep breaths. I also remember what it feels like to be lonely and miss my mom, so that helps me be more empathetic.

I have also started feeding her more, which I think might be helping a tiny bit with longer naps, and entertaining herself. I also tried the wait before you get her advice after taking naps. Twice she played in her crib for 10 minutes and fell asleep for another 10 minutes, so that was an extra 20 minutes for me, and a little bit more rest for her. Woo Hoo! I will have to say I misspoke about the length of time she plays by herself. It's not 40 minutes, it's more like 15. It must have just seemed like 40 because 15 is better than none at all. She is very very close to crawling, she gets up on her hands and knees and rocks, or she does this inch worm thing where she reaches as far as she can with her arms, and then bends in half, and moves her legs up. It's cute. This has helped with the self entertainment, she is constantly rolling, and inching, and doing this inch-worm-army-crawl thing all over the floor. I have started weening her which is a whole nother post in itself, but I think I didn't have as much milk as I thought I did, therefore she was more fussy and slept less. So, now I offer her formula after almost every meal, and she usually drinks at least 4 ounces.

Stay tuned for cute baby sleeping pictures, more flailing when the next tooth comes, and I'm sure there will be a video of her crawling any day now.

My Mom Used to Say,

"When you got it, flaunt it."

Dear Cecilia,

Thank you so much for turning Mother's Day into a happy day for me again. You bring such joy to my life. I am so happy to be your mom. I hope you will always be happy that I am your mom also.

Love,

Mama

Mom and Dad

Here's a few more from the baby book. The top one is Dad and I in the kitchen at the farm. Check out his hair and mustache. The bottom one is me and Mom on my baptism day. I was baptized in the farm house.

My New Favorite Picture

I found my baby book yesterday in my Dad's house. It was temporarily misplaced, and I was so happy to find it. I knew my mom kept good records of things that really mean a lot to me now, like when I first rolled over, and when I got my first tooth. It's all there, just like I remembered. It's hard to look at the book, because it's evident my mom worked hard to write everything down, and she wrote a nice letter to me/about me in the inside cover.

This is a picture of me at three months old, and it makes me emotional to look at it. I think Cecilia looks real similar right now to this picture. It just reminds me of how hard we tried to get pregnant, and now I feel so accomplished. Remember that scene in Castaway when Tom Hanks builds the fire, and he says something like, "Look! I have FIRE!" I feel just like that. "Look! We have a baby! We have reproduced!" The circle of life continues, and I didn't think that meant too much to me until now.

Now I just have to ask John's parents for baby pictures of him.

Today would be my mom's birthday. She would be 68. It's kind of hard to think about my mom these days; too easy to get too sad. I feel like I'm starting to understand the mother daughter bond from a different point of view. I know I have only scratched the surface though.

My mom's mom died when I was 2, and everyone said she loved me very much and was a very good grandma to me. It would have been nice to have her around because all 3 of my other grandparents never showed much love or attention in my direction. I always knew my mom missed her mom, and would have liked to share more of me with her. Guess I can understand that part of my mom the most right about now.

7 Years

Today marks the 7th anniversary of the day my mom left us. She was really good at being feminine, and tried very hard to help me be a little less tom boy and a little more girly. I know she would be excited about the prospect of me having a girl. I can still remember the outfit Abbey came home in. It was pink and ruffly and lacey and if that dress didn't scream "mom picked this out" I don't know what dress would. She bought Hannah a similar dress when she was about 1. So, I bought this dress in honor of my mom, or rather, as a gift from my mom to the baby. It's red velvet, and this is the dress she will wear when she comes home from the hospital. It's probably not as fancy as mom would like, but I'm doing my best over here.