When I find Myself in Times of Trouble, Mother Mary Comes to Me

November
 6th marked 12 years that my mom has been gone.  It's hard not to think some times what life would be like if she were around, and it's easy to think of those times as happy, but the reality is that they might not be.  I could use some help with these kids, and I wonder if my mom would be able and willing.  I could use some advice at work, and I wonder if I'd be able to listen to what she had to say.  I wonder what it would be like to know her as an adult, as a fellow mom.  Wish she could be at Thanksgiving to make everything beautiful and perfect, and make those longed for mashed potatoes.

It's no lie that my life right now is chaotic, and emotional.  I was talking about it one day to my sister, Christy and she said she's adopted a few songs as Mom's Mantra's, even though mom might not have loved those songs.  One song Christy recommended was "I Won't Back Down" by Tom Petty, and even though I don't really like Tom Petty, this gives me new insight to his music.  Mom was so strong.  She taught me to be strong, which I view as a huge asset, but I'm sure there are those around me who wish I wasn't quite so feisty.   One other song Christy said reminded her of mom was "Let it Be" by the Beatles.  

"When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be"

I find this song most soothing lately, especially since mom's first name was Mary.  Everyone called her by her middle name though.  Although, this would have never been mom's mantra.  She didn't know how to "let it be."  And I guess I'm not that good at it either, but there's many moments lately, where I take deep breaths, close my eyes, and try hard to let her "whisper words of wisdom, let it be."

This is the Fuel to my Fire

I Am The Highway- Audioslave
Pearls and swine bereft of me 
Long and weary my road has been 
I was lost in the cities 
Alone in the hills 
No sorrow or pitty 
For leaving I feel 

I am not your rolling wheels 
I am a highway 
I am not your carpet ride 
I am the sky 
[ Lyrics from: hte+highway_20010132.html ] 
Friends and liars 
Don't wait for me 
Cause I'll get on 
All by myself 
I put millions of miles 
Under my heels 
And still too close to you 
I feel 

I am not your rolling wheels 
I am the highway 
I am not your carpet ride 
I am the sky 
I am not your blowing wind 
I am the lightning 
I am not your autumn moon 
I am the night 
The night 

Home Town

John has liked this song for months.  I was a little slower to warm up to it.  Phillip Phillips just won American Idol, and to me he is a Dave Matthews wannabe.  I finally asked John what he thought the song was about, and he said it's about a girl who moves back to her home town because her husband has a good job there.  Then he winked at me.  Hard not to like it now. ;)

"Settle down, it'll all be clear.
Don't pay no mind to the demons,
They fill you with fear.
The trouble it might drag you down.
If you get lost, you can always be found.

Just know you’re not alone,
Cause I’m going to make this place your home."

Madness

Today was crazy.  Motherhood is craziness.  Working full time, being a mother of three small children, tests all my capabilities.  It wasn't totally unlike many of my days, just a little more extreme.  Parenthood has so many highs and lows.

After work on Wednesdays, the girls have ballet, and John has band practice.  So, John and I meet at Hwy 32 and C to exchange vehicles.  When I handed him the breast milk that I had pumped today at work, for him to put in the frig at home, one of the bottles was empty, it's contents at the bottom of my purse, soaked into my planner, a random sock of Dominic's and God knows what else down there in the dark pit of a mother's purse.  On the way to ballet, Dominic fussed most of the ride.  It was a bored cry.  I handed him a few toys, one at a time, and he promptly threw them all on the floor of the van, one at a time in quick succession.  Ballet practice went pretty well, while chit chatting with another mom, I found two new teeth in Dominic's mouth.  How did those get there?  How long have those been there?  On the way home from ballet Dominic ramped up the fussing.  I tried toys, I tried the radio.  I told him to "hush up."  Charlotte told me "hush up isn't nice."  I told him to "be quiet."  Charlotte told me what I tell her so many times, "he doesn't understand you."  I started to hand him anything I could find that I knew he couldn't swallow, just to stop the agonizing noise coming from the back seat.  I handed him a small Purell bottle, hand sanitizer.  He was quiet. It was a miracle, a tiny victory, a moment of softer tones.  And then I heard choking and crying and smelled the alcoholic smell of hand sanitizer.  Panic.  I pulled over, grabbed the bottle, and read the back label.  "If swallowed please call poison control."  Oh my God.  I wiped out his mouth with Cecilia's jacket, searched the internet on my phone for a phone number, and immediately called.  Darlene from poison control answered the phone.  I told her what happened, how much he weighed, how big the bottle was, etc.  Dominic was screaming.  She told me to get him out of the car seat and soothe him.  So, I was standing in the parking lot of Flieg's Farm equipment, holding a baby, talking on the phone.  I didn't look up at the cars going by.  The shame was real.  She said the bottle is 2 ounces, which is 60 mL, and I told her half of it was still in the bottle, and we have had the bottle awhile, and knew it wasn't full when I gave it to him.  She said the highest dose he could have was 15mL, so that was half of what could be missing from the bottle.  Did I think he could have swallowed that much?  I have no idea.  Darlene said we should error on the side of caution, and go to the emergency room.  She said he should eat, preferably something with protein, and drink something preferably juice.  I told her I wasn't far from home and could I just go home and monitor him.  She said the effects could start taking place in 30 minutes.  I got off the phone with her and called John.  He said I should get juice and come home and observe him here.  Luckily Ste. Genevieve has a drive through convenience store, so I drove through and got some milk, took him home, fed him, gave him his first taste of juice ever.  He was starving, shoving the food in, and loving the juice.  He had juice everywhere.  While we're eating dinner, Charlotte has to go potty, can't get her ballet leotard down in time, and pees in front of the washing machine on the way to the bathroom.  I tell her to take all her clothes off, and I put a towel over the pee, and commenced with dinner.  Darlene called back and asked how he looked, did he seem intoxicated, wobbly, etc.  I answered all those questions with a "no."  She said that all sounded good, and she'd call back again in 30 minutes.  When Dominic was finished eating, I put him on the living room floor to see if he seemed off balance,  He didn't.  Thank God.  No drunk baby here.  I picked him up, put on my favorite new song, Madness by Muse, and started to dance.  He giggled.  Not big giggles, just one little giggle at a time, isn't-this-fun giggles.  Naked Charlotte, and Cecilia in ballet clothes joined us. We had a moment, a moment of relief, a moment of forgiving myself, a moment of craziness, a moment of being surrounded by the love that can be created in a family.  I put Dominic down, standing in front of me, and he stood for a long time, the longest I've ever seen him stand alone, and then took a step towards me.  We did it again, and again.  The girls screamed with excitement of Dominic's first steps.  He stood there, desperately trying to move his foot, his little toes pushing and stretching, occasionally taking a step or two towards me and then toppling over into my arms.

I wonder if years from now I'll be able to remember the exhaustion, the thrill, of life with tiny people.

Here's the Madness song on youtube.  The video is distracting, so if you could find it on spotify, or play the video then minimize the screen, that's what I would suggest.

Why Didn't I Think of That?

We're all a buzz over here, getting ready for Abbey's wedding, the wedding of the century. I have pictures to post from Christmas and Cecilia's birthday, but those will come later. Right now we have to prepare and celebrate.

Christy called this morning, missing mom. Mom would have loved to be there this weekend. She loved big elaborate fancy parties. She would have been in her element. Christy and I were talking about how it rained on my wedding day, and she said that one of mom's best friends, MaryLee, whispered to Christy when we walked out the church door that the rain was mom's tears of joy. I had never thought of that, but it's like that sad country song, Holes in the Floor of Heaven.


Well my little girl is 23
I walk her down the aisle
it's a shame her mom can't be here now
to see her lovely smile

They throw the rice
I catch her eye
as the rain starts comin' down
she takes my hand says daddy don't be sad 'cause
I know momma's watchin' now

And there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and her tears are pourin down
that's how you know she's watchin'
wishin' she could be here now
and sometimes when I'm lonely
I remember she can see
there's holes in the floor of Heaven
and she's watchin' over you and me



There are still some days like today, 11 years later, that I still miss her so dearly. I know we'll have fun this weekend. I know mom will be in our hearts. And maybe next time it rains I can stop scurrying around and grimacing and take a minute to feel mom's embrace.

Dom, dom, dom, dom, dom, de, doobe, dom

Wondering how we chose his name? It's not from this little song or video, although this is cute. =) We've had this name picked out since we were pregnant with Cecilia.

We both just liked the name Dominic. The name means, "of the Lord." I knew a guy named Dominic, and people called him Dom for short, and I loved that. It reminded me of this song.



This song was always one of mom's favorites, from the year she graduated high school. Plus, it was on the Stand By Me soundtrack which I listened to continuously from about the time I was 11 or 12 to 14 or 15. What a great movie and soundtrack.

The name Calvin comes from John's grandpa, John Calvin Smith, whom John was named after.  Somewhere along the way I'll try to find a picture of John's grandpa.  John looks a lot like him.  From what I've heard about him, he was a quiet farmer from Hicksville, OH.  John has his eyes, and his posture.  When I envision John as an old man, I always picture his grandpa.

Well, busy day today, I've got my two week check up, and a few last minute gifts to buy.  Tomorrow is Dominic's 2 week check up.  How can two weeks have gone by already?  I keep trying to count the days on my hands, not accepting that it's been 2 weeks already.  I've just started to feel a little better, but I feel like those days are lost, and his life is already on the fast track.  I'm looking forward to spending some nice time with my family of 5 (today is Johns last day of work for 2 weeks, Wee!) and in between we've got Christmas Eve at the farm, Christmas Day at our house with John's parents, and then Cecilia's birthday at Chuck E Cheese.  When does life slow down?  When do I have that quiet maternity leave full of new baby love?

She's just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train going anywhere

Staind-Black(Pearl Jam cover)

This is one of my favorite all time songs, easily in my top 5 favorite songs. This rendition that Aaron Lewis from Staind is freaking amazing. This is what music is about, this song epitomizes what music should be like. If you can watch this video and not feel something, or want to feel something then you and I probably can't be friends. ;)

Pearl Jam originally recorded this song, and they did a fabulous job of it. This song can take me back to 1994 in an instant. I had broken up with my boyfriend at the time, and we sat in his truck and he played this song for me, and sang the part, "I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a sun in somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"

I knew right then I was making the right decision. Even now when I hear those words I feel empowered knowing that I am the sun in someone else's life and breaking up with that dumbass was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life. Even though this song can transport me back in time, it also reinforces what I am doing today. I love my husband. I chose an amazing partner, and that is, on an everyday basis, one of the best feelings in the world.

Mumford & Sons - Awake My Soul (Live at Reading Festival 2010) - 2/9

This is my new favorite band, Mumford and Sons. I bought the cd for John for our anniversary because I knew he really liked them. The first couple times I heard the cd, I just thought they were ok, then I saw them on the Grammy's last year and was really impressed. This, right here, is what real music is all about; the passion, the talent, the lyrics, the energy. If it were up to me there would be more "Awake My Soul" and less "Party Rock Anthem." Just sayin'.

Sharing The Days With the Ones That I Love

Listening to Christmas music yet? I am. It fills my heart with warmth. Sometimes this holiday season can bog me down, but one of my favorite parts of this season is the music. This song; this group is amazing. Reminds me how happy I am to be in Missouri, where it gets cold, where the moon shines bright, where my family is.

Last year after Christmas, I made a personal list of Ways to Make Christmas 2010 better. I love this time of year, but somehow it stresses me out too, and sometimes makes me downright mad. Last year Christmas came and went and I felt like I had survived a tsunami. Losing Brant left me with a pit in my stomach. I juggled so much, and walked around with such a heavy heart, and when Christmas was over, I felt exhausted and unhappy that I missed the holiday spirit completely. I haven't accomplished everything on my list, but I have made a conscious effort to make this Christmas better, to stress Jesus and the Season of Giving more, and Santa and his materialistic ways less.

#1 Save money so shopping is more fun.

#2 Try to exchange names and get kids lists in early November so I have time to buy presents.

#3 Give different lists to my family/John's family.

#4 Try to do some sort of volunteer/ adopt a family thing, maybe Ronald McDonald House

#5 Buy good stuff for stocking in PB- Global Foods

#6 Celebrate St. Nick's Day- get stockings at home.

#7 Do our Christmas cards at Costco.

#8 Make a present, maybe with the girls, maybe for John or Helen, maybe hot rice bags, coffee mug with photo

#9 Do online shopping before John's December paycheck.

#10 Buy something light to ship to Susanne. (in Germany) Last year I spent $50 shipping a pumpkin pie plate and a can of pumpkin to her.

#11 Buy something for Doug.

#12 Make a picture calendar for myself. (thanks, Cori.)

#13 Make old favorite recipes like spinach balls.

#14 Try to find a way to honor Brant's anniversary.

Wish me luck, and I wish you a holiday season of all that is calm and bright.

Farmers Daughter

Sure does look like Dad's little tractor, and Ole Red. Hits home.

Lilith

One week before the Lilith Fair came to St. Louis, I received an email from a lady at GM Communications saying Chevrolet is sponsoring the Lilith Fair and she had tickets for me. I emailed her back, and soon enough Christy, Abbey, Sara and I were on our way to the Verizon Ampitheatre on a Friday afternoon, hidden flask and all. The line up didn't look that impressive on paper, but the music was very good. I was very happy we got to hear Ingrid Michaelson. Who knew I even knew a few of her songs? Metric was full of a UK electric pop vibe, and Emmylou Harris was ethereal. There were lots of great moments that only a Lilith Fair could create, like when Christy asked, "did you see all those uteruses?" or when the thought came into my mind, "why is there a man in the girls bathroom?" Sarah McLachlan is probably my all time favorite feminine singer, so she stuck out leaps and bounds, but I was happily surprised by Mary J. Blige's performance. She came out in a gold outfit and high heels, big bangle earrings, and the entire crowd automatically got off their feet and starting dancing and swaying. I never saw so many lesbians trying hard to dance like Ellen in my life. She was very womanly, and filled my heart with so much pride to be feminine.

Mary J. Blige's song, "I Am" was particularly moving for me. The lyrics sang to me.

Ain't nobody gonna treat you better
Ain't nobody gonna touch you better
Ain't nobody gonna love you better
boy
than I am
Than I am

I'm sure these words were made for a lover, but I couldn't help thinking about my daughters. My mom wrote down her memories of her mom for a geneology thing, and I came across them once, soon after I was married, and not long after she had passed. Mom wrote that while her mom, my Grandma Gen, was in the hospital, she gave my mom some "Mad Money" to go spend on herself, not on her husband or kids. My mom then wrote that she didn't think anyone would love her like her mom loved her. As a newlywed, when I read that, I couldn't help think that was a slight on my dad. Now that I am a mom myself, I recognize those feelings. It isn't diminishing the love between husband and wife, rather it's building on that love. John is the love of my life, but I do believe that no one is going to love my girls the way that I do; the way that a mom can.

And so lies my struggle.

After being married a year or three, the question of raising a family came up and I was terrified of having a child, mainly because I was scared of the grief that I imagined would resurface. After being married 6 years, a baby entered our lives, and God couldn't have given us a better blessing, except for giving us another bundle of joy 16 months after that. I was either pregnant or nursing (or both(!)) from March 2007 to May 2010. I think I had maybe 24 hours for each baby of "baby blues" but survived relatively unscathed in the unhappy emotion aspect, until recently. Now, for the first time in over 3 years I am not pregnant or nursing, and my hormones are a little out of wacked, or perhaps exactly on track (?) and I have many days of feeling tired, exhausted, my body feels heavy, my heart feels heavy. I am occassionally crabby, and often moody. I am reading books like "The Happiest Toddler On the Block" trying to weave my way through this thing called motherhood. All I really think I need is a good talk with my mom, some hard sound advice about my new reality. As much as I love my daughters, I know my mom loved me and I miss that love.

And if I couldn't get any more pathetic, I joined a "Motherless Daughters" meetup group. I was searching for a moms group online that doesn't meet during the day during the week. Am I the only working mom in St. Louis who would like a playdate in the evening or weekend? It appears so. Anyway, while searching the meetup groups (there are some crazy ones out there) I found a Motherless Daughters group based on the book. I sent them an email asking if they still meet, and they replied, yes once a month, on Wednesday evenings. So I joined their group, and rsvped to the meeting last week. It was at a coffee shop not too terribly far from my house. I was scared to go, a little nervous about baring my soul to strange women, but told them I was going, and so go I would. Except... no one else was there.... How heartbreaking and embarrassing to go to a self help group, meet people from the internet, and have none of them show up. =(

Yuck.
Gag.
Sob.
Blah.

And so, I guess I'm doing it myself, gonna miss my mom and raise my kids in my own way, try hard not to snap at them, or my very patient and loving husband, try hard to eat "mood boosting" foods like fish and green tea, and go at it one day at a time, taking solsice knowing I'm not the only mom or woman out there who feels tired or sad on occasion, and the important thing is to "love one another."

We don't need, don't need, no haters
Just try to love one another
We just want y'all have a good time
No more drama in your life
Work real hard to make a dime
If you got beef, your problem, not mine
Leave all that BS outside
We're gonna celebrate all night
Let's have fun, tonight, no fights
Turn the Dre track way up high
Making you dance all night and
IGot some real heat for ya this time
Doesn't matter if you're white or black
Let's get crunk cause Mary's back

My Favorite Post to Date

I put together this compilation of my favorite moments from the past 5 years, because I'm that person. I love love love this post. There are some unhappy, very unhappy days in there, a lot of chaotic days lately, and just some downright frustrating parts of my life, of every one's life, but for me, it's important to remember how blessed I am, how great my life is, how amazing my husband is, how much joy my girls have brought to my life, how I am surrounded by family and friends who love me, and how nice it is to be 'happylaney.'

Here is Cecilia at a Parents as Teachers group meeting where we made music. This is her homemade drum.

Just Another Day in Paradise

John has a trombone sitting in the corner of the foyer all the time, and the other day he got it out and played it for Cecilia. Disregard the pile of clothes on the coffee table. This is our life, the trombone playing, clothes folding everyday part of our life. It's even better than I dreamt it could be.

watching daddy direct the band Tuesday night at practice

My Favorite New Picture

I've Got a Rock and Roll Heart

John has learned to play the bass guitar because some members of the faculty have put together a band for the talent show.

He's so right for me.

Here Comes Treble

The Ste. Gen Band Boosters and students threw John a shower last night in the band room. He was so surprised, it was awesome. He got a lot of great gifts for the baby including a hand sewn quilt with musical sayings on it, a little jacket that says "Drummer Girl" and a shirt that says, "My Daddy is the director of the band." There were a lot of people there, including so many students. They really like John down there. Who can blame them?

Marching Dragons

John's 2007 marching band season is almost over. They have performed at numberous home football games, and 3 competitions. Their show was called Pictures at an Exhibition, which is a collection of three songs written after the composer visited an art museum. It's a great show, and I'm sad to only get to see it one more time, but I will be happy to have my husband around more often.